Master of My Mind

Encore

2009-06-10T16:34:00.004-05:00

So I haven't blogged in like 2 1/2 months.

At first it was because I felt a certain pressure to put out a certain number of entries every month. Odd, I know, but most pressure in my life is self-inflicted, so why should this be any different.

Then it became because I thought that blogging about ED might be triggering. Even though I took a recovery approach, blogging still made me think about food issues almost daily.

I'm not going to lie, the break has been freeing.

I have been doing INCREDIBLY WELL. I finished up my lab work and finals at my undergrad university, ending with a published paper and a 3.98. I graduated. I have made my move to Madison, set up my new apartment with J, started working in my new lab. My relationship is better then ever. I am completely ready to get engaged, and we plan to within the next year. I am happy- not crazy I'm-going-manic ecstatic, but a calm inner happiness. I am fulfilled, at peace, and full of love.

My ED symptoms have been gone pretty much this entire time, which is incredible considering how hard transitions tend to be for me. I don't weigh anymore, but I can tell I have gone down. The 10's I was wearing are huge and the 8's feel good right now. I am happy with the way my body looks- toned and healthy. I can easily eat the trigger foods in moderation. J and I cook whole foods and don't eat out too much. I have traded in my strict weekly work out schedule for bike commuting (3.5 miles each way, 5 days a week) and am thinking about adding some yoga. There is a studio on my block.

I suppose the final part of my journey through recovery has been stopping thinking of myself as a person with an ED or recovering from an ED and rather seeing myself first and foremost as a healthy, loving person.

I thank the blog community for the role they have played in that journey. You have all been tremendously helpful, and this place has been a refuge and a source of camaraderie.

This is going to be my last post on this blog, as I feel I have truly become Master of my Mind.

I have an apartment in Madison! I'm losing weight!

2009-03-31T18:11:00.002-05:00

So, I went up to Madison with J on Saturday to look at apartments. The first one we saw was a no go- small, no light, lots of undergrads in the building. The second one, however, was gorgeous- big, high ceilings, nice building- definitely something up our alley. About 2 minutes into the showing, however, the manager girl looks at J and says, "Just so you know, we don't let any sex offenders live in our building." WTF??? She continues: "And we don't just do a local check- we look at Federal records." Wow. Next. The third place was new and pretty nice, but slightly outside our price range. A definite possibility. We were going to go to lunch and talk over our options, when J says to see if I can move one of our afternoon showings to now, one more shot before we pick between the less-than-awesome. A 70-ish guy with a full head of heir meets us. We go to the building and the neighborhood looks great- all brick buildings built in the 1930's, a park and the lake are right across the street, a grocery on the corner, and everyone looks to be between 25-35. This seems ideal. Then we see the apartment. All wood floors, huge windows in every room, a sun room, dining room, TV room, big living room with a fireplace, high ceiling, tons of storage, everything well kept up- totally gorgeous. Afraid to fall in love with it before we're approved (we have less than stellar credit), we ask the owner what the application process entails. "You say you're a PhD student at UW? You're in." I'm in disbelief. "What about this guy?" I ask, referring to J. "You're his reference. Anyone who is a PhD student at this school has had to do a lot to get there. I know the rent will get paid." We signed right away. We now have an AWESOME apartment in Madison, and get to move June 1 :)

As for ED stuff, I am doing great. I have finally started to reverse the weight gain- I've dropped my calories to about 1500, started exercise 5 days/week instead of 4, and have already lost 3 pounds since I got back from my mountain trip. I am already starting to plan how I will switch back to a maintenance plan so that when i reach my goal of 140-145 I will be able to stay there and not keep playing the ED losing game. Wish me luck!

Quick ED Update

2009-03-26T13:36:00.003-05:00

That mountain trip came with crazy amounts of eating and crazy amounts of calories burned. I hiked 30 miles, ate about 3,000 calories/day, and my weight stayed exactly the same. Crazy stuff.

As I was picking pictures to put up on the last post, I decided to take a little masochistic detour and peruse some of my old photos- i.e. me 50lbs. lighter. Well, I don't think the skinniest ones were really the best, but the ones at around 130? I looked damn good. But, my "healthy" weight is still 140-145, so that is still my aim.

I am still trying to follow the 1,600 calorie diet, and am hoping that by the end of the summer I'll reach that ideal. I have about 15 pounds to lose, so that seems reasonable.

I have been feeling really good about the strength of my body recently because doing amazing physical things helps me to view the body as a tool rather than as an object to look at. Also, lots sex seems to help (I'm seriously ridiculous- I get cranky after like 12 hrs.)

I had a bit of a binge on Tuesday when I first got back (my place was a mess, I had no one to hang out with, blah blah blah), but I managed to keep it pretty minimal. I did an extra workout that day (an hour of cardio), but I didn't do the 2 hrs that would have counteracted the whole 1,000 calorie binge. I ate a small salad with ahi tuna for dinner, and started fresh the next day.

Mountain Trip Pics

2009-03-26T13:11:00.008-05:00

So the mountain trip was rad. We climbed two of the tallest mountains in the park and explored all sorts of waterfalls and rivers. We cooked, we hot-tubbed, it was grand. Check out my pics :)

We found a little waterfall :)

J really didn't believe me that there were indeed mountains here. (Smokies)

I think J looks like a guerrilla fighter in this hat.

I had to wake up early. Witness the sunshine.

J planning out our trek. (He is wearing an African dashiki and a fedora...)

Me walking along a sweet log bridge.

As expected, a little nature time (and some magic mushrooms :P )were TOTALLY what the doctor ordered.

Working Hard

2009-03-17T10:35:00.003-05:00

Thanks to everyone for their positive comments on the post from yesterday :)

Today is my intense work day- I have to have a draft of my entire thesis completed before tomorrow and I also need to create a scientific poster of my work (which sounds easier than it is) for a symposium the week I get back from my trip. I have a dinner and all-night-study party planned with the ladies this evening, and am hoping that I can get everything done by like 2am so I can sleep a little tiny bit.

I have successfully stuck to my 1,600 calorie plan the last couple of days, and it actually is pretty easy. It's funny because when I first switched from anorexic mode to binge eating mode, that seemed fucking impossible. If I could have just been able to handle this then I would probably still be a size 2. But yeah, my starving brain wasn't having that. Not to mention, at that point I was still running 100 miles a week, so I guess the circumstances are a little different. But I must keep telling myself: I do not want to be that skinny. I want to be at my doctor's recommended ideal weight, and once I am in that range I will go back to 1,800 and not worry about the occasional treat. It's all about the health factor, right? And maybe if I keep working on changing my mind like this, I can actually, fully convince myself I look better at a 6-8 than a 2. Here's to hoping, right?

Crunch Time

2009-03-16T10:41:00.006-05:00

First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who sent me nice supportive comments on my last post. It helps a TON, because it is true that on some level I know I am not completely a whale, but having it reinforced is supremely useful. I have just called myself "fat" so many times that changing that little neural network will take a LOT of repetition.

I am feeling pretty good about myself again today, but I have made the unfortunate realization that I can't lose weight on 1800 calories, so I am switching to 1600. I have also included some full-length pics of yours truly just so everyone has an idea of what I am working with in all my size 10 glory. I don't mind it, parts of it I really love, but I really think I would be more comfortable at a 6-8. So, The goal remains to lose about 15 pounds and hit the doctor-recommended "ideal" 143. The meal plan with this (like anyone really cares, but it helps me to put it in writing) is as follows:

Breakfast: Cereal and milk 240
Snack: Oatmeal, toast and egg OR fruit and yogurt 160
Lunch: Protein, whole grain, vegetable 300
Snack: Vegetable OR fruit 100
Dinner: Cook at home 600
Snack: Anything 200

My exercise routine is going to stay the same, I am going to keep using my handy little notebook, and we shall see if my weight is different in a month (currently I would guess 158.5, but I'll check tomorrow.)

In other news, I have officially accepted the dual-degree program offer. In order for that to work out, I will need to move on June 1 (yikes!)and J and I are getting really excited. My new life is about to begin! It will be a ton of work, but I am pretty sure I can handle it and still enjoy life. I will have to try harder not to get knocked up, because I'm pretty sure this precludes me being able to handle a bundle of joy. That was one of the nice parts about being sickeningly thin- when I was ammenhoriac, I knew my eggo couldn't wind up prego. Anyway, thanks again for the encouragement in taking on this responsibility- I am totally confident in the decision at this point and really happy that I will get to spend my summer in gorgeous Madison!

I'd best quit blogging now and get down to business... I have three days of very intense crunch time, but then Wednesday night I leave for my trip to the mountains!

Good vibes to all you deserving folks!

xKimX

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

2009-03-13T17:17:00.003-05:00

Yesterday around 3pm I started getting ready to go over to J's. We were having people over for dinner, some of whom I hadn't met yet, and I wanted to look nice. I started trying on clothes, and nothing fit. Not a single pair of pants would go on without causing massive spillover. I tried to resist the urge, but after about the fifth attempt I just started sobbing. How is it that I have gotten so big? My weight hasn't really gone up much this calendar year (maybe 2 lbs.) but all the progress I have been envisioning just isn't happening.
I pulled it together and made it through the dinner, which actually turned out to be a pretty good time, but it did include plenty of wine and some dessert (which was my own damn doing). At the end of the night I suppose I was obviously upset, because once everyone had left J kept asking me to talk to him and say what was wrong. I just started crying and spilling it all out- I hate the way I look, I am frustrated because I work out almost every day and hardly eat out and am doing pretty well with my nutrition plan but I just keep getting bigger. I have hypothyroidism, so if I eat what a normal person eats I get huge. Well, I guess that is the mistake I have been making.
In classic guy fashion, J wanted to find a solution. He kept emphasizing that he loves the way I look, but he wants me too feel happy. Something interesting that came out of our talk was that he feels uneasy when he sees me eating sweets or junk food the same way I feel uneasy when he is drinking. I never would have guessed but it makes total sense- it's not fun to see someone you love hurting themselves. Anyway, he was feeling bad because I said in the evening is usually when I start eating things I shouldn't (wine, ice cream, cookies, margaritas, extra dinner food, etc.), and thus he felt it was his fault because that is when I am with him. We figured it would be easier for me to do better if I wasn't tempted by him doing the things I was trying to avoid, so we came up with a few ideas that might make things easier:
1. We will not be buying ice cream any more.
2. We will make our plates and then put the food away before we start eating so I am not tempted to keep taking seconds and picking at it.
3. We will not drink during the week (I am not sure if J will follow through with this, but I at least need to.)
4. Only eat dessert once per week.

Also, on my own I have decided that I ought to start using the little notebook to keep track of my foods again. Stopping with that is always a bad idea. So today I have been using it once more. The long term goal here is to get to my doctor's recommended ideal weight range of 140-145, and I am still confident that I can do this by eating healthfully. It is going to take some extra discipline and I am prepared to do what is necessary.
Today I bought a pair of pants in a size 10. They are the biggest pants I have ever bought and I am hoping my need for them is temporary. Hopefully they will be able to keep me from crying when I dress in the mean time.

Peace.
xKimX

Life Is Good :)

2009-03-11T16:29:00.004-05:00

So I have come to enjoy the Random Blurb style of post I have been using lately. It seems to suit me well, and I think I am going to roll with it. Here goes:

So since I last posted, I have been freaking out about the possibility of being pregnant. I have still not gotten my period- and here comes the TMI again- I have been constipated, had lower back pain and having hot flashes. AHH! After working myself up sufficiently, I bought a pregnancy test. FYI, those little fuckers are like $25 for two. I walked home, paced, drank some water, and went for it. Three fairly intense minutes later, two lovely little words appeared- "not pregnant". YAY! Oh, the terrors of premarital sex.

(That's me and my friend the pee stick)

In other news, life is pretty good. I have been to the gym the last three days in a row (so I have made up my skipped workout from last week). I have been following my diet plan really well this week, with some flexibility. Tonight there will be a little difficulty as I am eating dinner at a bar with J and my best friend JB and two of our friends from home, ML and KC. This is me and four guys, all of whom will be man-handling the beer and wings. I have decided 2 beers and 3-4 chicken strips (rather than a cheese burger or nachos) ought to be alright. I should not have eaten 3 cookies this afternoon (instead of my usual salad), but hey, the damage is done now, no need to make things worse or dwell. Overall, I have been very healthy with minimal ED thoughts. Oh, and I did weight the other day, and miraculously didn't gain weight. Cool.

Good news of the day: I have a new awesome source of income :) Via Craig's List, I found an opportunity to work as a tutor for a Greek girl learning English- only 4 hrs./week at $45/hr.! That's like over $700 extra a month, which is so incredibly needed. Hooray for random jobs. I have found some great stuff on The List. I highly recommend it.

I have been thinking more on the Public Policy/ Neuroscience dual degree program, and I am leaning more and more toward doing it. I really like what Kara said about asking yourself if you would regret not doing it- the answer is probably yes. The people in charge of the program said they could arrange to start paying me early, so J and I might move to Madison as soon as June. Crazy shit!

Last note: I am getting totally stoked for my upcoming trips. This weekend J and I and M and A (his bro and his bro's fiance) are going to St. Louis to see Sound Tribe Sector 9 at the Pageant and visit their sister MC. MC is in beauty school, and we are all getting facials from her and her friends at their salon in the afternoon and then going to dinner before the show. Just a nice little one-night get away. Then, I come home and have a 3-day ass pounding (lab, midterms, general college catching-up) before I get to have my very last Spring Break. J and I and M and A and some others are going to a secluded cabin out in the mountains with a hot tub and such. Lots of hiking through hills, caves, rivers, waterfalls... mushrooms... hooray!

Hope everyone is happy today :)

xKimX

Positive Energy

2009-03-10T10:37:00.003-05:00

So I haven't weighed myself this week, but I don't think I am going to. Last Friday was what has come to be known as "Unofficial" at my University. Because St. Patrick's Day usually falls over our Spring Break, a tradition has developed where we celebrate St. Patty's early, with an all-day drinking fest on a Friday in the beginning of March. I started out with Kegs'n'Eggs at 8 am, followed by a 3-kegger with pizza at my place around 2pm (see below for me rocking out on my balcony), and leaving for the bars at 9pm or so. Needless to say, many many beer and junk food calories. I am not weighing myself because I know I will try to be healthy this week regardless of what the scale says, and if I see a high number I will just be down on myself. So, as part of my new effort to give off and absorb only positive energy, I will refrain.

So this is probably TMI, but I'm gonna go ahead and share. Last week I skipped my period. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant (my thyroid disorder just makes my body do stupid things sometimes), but for a while I was pretty worried. I told J about the situation, and I assured him, "This isn't uncommon for me, so you really shouldn't worry." And, dun dun DAH! He says with a smile, "I wouldn't worry. I'd be excited." How freaking lucky am I? This was the most comforting, reassuring, unexpected thing I could have possibly heard. Folks, this is my guy, without doubt. No, I don't want a kid right now, but I'm so stoked. I totally love this man.

This last weekend J and I completely overhauled his apartment. We rearranged furniture, cleaned out all the junk, scoured the whole place, finally finished decorating, all that jazz. All we need now is a dining set (we're currently rocking the card table and folding chairs), which I intend to go find tomorrow. The point is, we really turned "his place" into "our home". He's making me a key this week and I am going to start moving my stuff over there. It's totally exciting.

The Neuroscience program at Madison has an option for a dual degree that includes a master's in public policy. I was initially interested, then decided not to apply, then during the interview weekend got excited about it again, then again was daunted by the workload and backed out. Now I am getting many, many emails from people in charge of the program wanting me to reconsider and go ahead and do it. The upside would be that I would have a free extra degree with the option of doing cool legal stuff related to neuroscience (stem cell laws, brain death cases, etc.) The down side is I would be in school for at least *7* more years, and would have even less life then someone just being a normal neuroscience graduate student. I'll let you all know how the situation unfolds, but I'm currently totally torn.

So, that is an update in the life of the Kim. Now, I am off to the gym (eventually) to try and get back on track with this "healthy body" stuff.

xKimX

"Lazy"

2009-03-03T15:15:00.004-06:00

ED/Healthy Lifestyle Update
The good health plan is going well. I have done the workouts I intended to both yesterday and today. The work out plan is one I have been easing in to for a while, so I don't think maintaining it will be very difficult. I have also been following the eating plan really well. After years of creating diet plans for myself, I think I am finally getting better at balancing health and freedom.. The only minor issue I have had is eating slightly more than I intend (maybe 200 calories more) in the evenings. It is becoming apparent to me that J and I will be eating something at night after dinner most nights (last night we made banana smoothies), and I need to work this in to my plan. Since this plan is suppose to be one I can maintain and and not feel constrained in, I think the answer is to eat slightly less at dinner and still have a small dessert. I am thinking that 600 dinner calories and 200 late snack calories ought to be very doable.

I am already feeling really fantastic- I am not scrambling to get things done or preparing to leave town, and the feel-good benefits of living healthy are already sinking in hard core.

How much control do we really have?
It's pretty mind-boggling how much stress plays a role in my ED symptoms. I had always been a firm believer in executive control- that if someone was depressed they would be able to recover if they did the work necessary to do so, and that those who failed to see results even after months or years of drugs and therapy were probably too "lazy" to do what they had to to get better (there's an ED trait for ya). Now I am not as sure- I do still think that will power and willingness to make an effort play a huge role in recovery from many mental disorders (ED most definitely included), but seeing how I am SO negatively affected by stress I am beginning to understand the complexity of the issue. Very gray. Opinions?

How much is a person supposed to do every day?
I had an exam this morning that I think went fine, then I went to the gym and did my laundry. Somehow, though, I am still feeling like I have been "lazy" today. I spent some time reading blogs and looking around at Madison apartments on Craigslist (see photo of my lovely new home city below), but not much down time other than that. When I think about it objectively I have really done a fine amount of stuff, especially considering the period of interview/travel craziness I have just come out of, but I can never seem to give myself permission to relax. (More by-the-book ED stuff...) Anyway, as I no longer have a therapist, it is my job to be proactive in my own treatment. As per that end, I am giving myself the rest of the day off. I am only doing whatever I feel like doing and nothing else.

Me n My Man :P
Oh, update- so last night J and I made Mexican food. As we were sitting to eat, he said, "I'm gonna have a beer." Now, he wouldn't announce it if he didn't know I was on edge about it. I stupidly said (under my breath, mind you, he hears like a bat), "Happy Monday" in a sarcastic little voice. I immediately felt guilty. He rolled his eyes (I couldn't see him, but I imagine he did), and said, "OK, fine, I guess I won't". I said that I was sorry and that it really wasn't my place and that came out really harshly. I wanted to go on and explain what I really wanted to say, but he was annoyed so it wasn't the right time. We went on with dinner and there actually wasn't any lingering awkwardness or negative feelings. Later that night, while we were looking at possible hiking trails for our upcoming mountain trip, I again said, "I'm really sorry I said that before, I didn't want to hurt you or piss you off, it's just that I love you and I worry." He said, in a very calm and good-natured tone, "You can say whatever you want, always." That made me feel pretty good because he always is emphasizing how much he wants to hear what is on my mind or what is bothering me and how important communication is. We had an awesome rest of the evening- really silly and relaxed- and I imagine he'll speak up it soon- he usually does after a couple of days. I feel really good about the situation. I love this man and he is a brilliant introspective individual who, as I've said before, will always be able to stand on his own two feet. Hehe, and he just emailed me saying he put a roast in this morning for dinner- yay for man who cooks :)

Hooray life!

New Chapter : )

2009-03-02T09:44:00.003-06:00

I'm Going to Madison!
I am back to normal life! I got home from my Northwestern interview on Saturday, and I am completely done with the whole process. And the even better news? I GOT IN TO MADISON!!! I am totally stoked, and ready to tell them I accept the offer. I am just taking a few days to really mull it over because, hey, this is a pretty big decision. Last night J and I celebrated- we made chicken marsala and roasted asparagus, and then had chocolate fondue and a really fantastic bottle of wine. I am SO lucky to have this fantastic supportive guy coming with me into this next stage of my life, and I won't soon forget how fortunate I am...

On that note I do have to say one thing about the relationship stuff. We are at about 5 months (I know, I know, it's all really fast) and that for me is usually about the time when things start to change. Now, I was just reading some Vedic mantra business (I'm an eastern philosophy junkie in secret I guess) and one thing that comes up over and over is, essentially, "to expect people to be other than what they have been is irrational/crazy". Well, when I met J he was a heavy drinker/smoker and generally living very unhealthily. Given the things he had gone through in the preceding months (and my own habits at the time), I decided this was understandable and would wait and see what happened. Then for a while things were just getting better and better- we were cooking healthy food together, going to the gym, we were both hardly drinking outside of the weekends and he pretty much stopped smoking cigarettes and pot. Over the last couple of weeks, though, things seem to have digressed. He doesn't usually want to go to the gym with me, so either I don't go either or I go alone (like this morning). He is smoking cigarettes sometimes and pot occasionally, which wouldn't bother me really on it's own but in conjunction with other stuff it grates on me. Most troublesome to me, though, is that he hasn't gone a day without a drink in over a week. I feel bad for even knowing that/keeping track, but it really makes me sad. He knows it's an issue for him (and consequently me) but I have a hard time saying anything about it because I don't want him to withdraw or start lying to me or something. I was thinking about talking to him tonight and asking if we could go back to the clean Monday-Thursday plan, but I am nervous about doing so because I don't want to hurt his feelings. Any wisdom is appreciated.

As for my own health, I anticipate being much more together now that constant stress and travel are over...
ED/Health Stuff
At the gym today I weighed 158.2 lbs. This is almost as high as my high point Freshman year of college (161). I am actually not feeling too awful about it because I have had a lot of other stuff going on recently that seemed more important than my weight, and I think I had legitimate reason for skipping a couple of workouts and eating/drinking some extra treats (hey, it was all free!). Anyway, now that I am back to pseudo-normalcy I am fully ready to implement the get-fit plan. I am looking at losing about 1 lb/wk until I get to the 140-145 range that is supposedly my body's ideal. I have stopped seeing the nutritionist, the fitness counselor and the therapist. I may still make appointments with the first two at some point, but I honestly don't know when that will be. I think I have gotten pretty much everything out of these people that I can and the rest is up to me. So, here is the plan:

Nutrition:

Breakfast: 1 cup Fiber One flake cereal, 1/2 cup Fiber One original, 1 cup skim milk
Snack: 6 oz. container Lite'n'Fit yogurt, 1 piece fresh fruit
Lunch: 350 calories, including some protein, whole grain and vegetable
Snack: Romaine salad with 1/4 cup gorgonzola and 2 tbsp. raspberry dressing
Dinner: Up to 700 calories, preferably something cooked at home
Late snack: Tea with honey (or maybe a treat or a cocktail if dinner was small)

This plan is about 1800 calories/day. The everyday foods are things I love, but I am still planning to tweak it weekly to avoid getting to tired of stuff. According to SELF magazine this ought to make me lose about 1 lb./wk.

Fitness:

Monday:60 min elliptical, (1 min sprints every 10 minutes), 10 min stretch
Tuesday:30 min elliptical w/ sprints, 20 min strength training, 10 min stretch30 min
Thursday:60 min elliptical w/ sprints, 10 min stretch
Friday:elliptical w/ sprints, 20 min strength training, 10 min stretch
(Saturday):30 minute run outside if the weather is nice

Once again, according to that lovely magazine, 3.5 hrs. of cardio per week combined with an 1800 calorie diet should let me lose 1 pound each week. I think I will put in weekly weight updates, so we shall see how it works. I'm just excited to be feeling good about a plan that is non-extreme. Oh, and I am also writing down what I eat in a little note pad and trying to plan meals the day before. This helps me a lot. I am making an effort to do one "recovery activity" each day- blog, journal, meditate, read from one of my old self-help books about ED stuff- just to keep myself mentally on track.

Yay, normal life! How I love it!

Quick Update

2009-02-25T11:07:00.003-06:00

Hi all! I haven't been writing (or reading) because I have been wicked swamped. I miss blog land! I am heading out on my last interview (Northwestern) today and will be back on Sunday. I have honestly been out of town less then I have been home this month. It's been insanity. On the upshot, I have made some wicked progress on my thesis (I'm like 10 pages from go!) and I am feeling really healthy. J and I went for a pretty fabulous sushi dinner last night and I just had a great work out. So far I have gotten into the University of Chicago and University of Southern California (with a provost's fellowship!) and haven't heard from anywhere else. I am doing well ED wise. It was rocky toward the middle of the month but I feel better. I am really feeling comfortable in my body and embracing the curves. I was just watching E! top 100 slim downs (hey, I was at the gym, I had nothing better to do!) and when all the stick girls came on, I honestly was thinking, bwahaha, I am way sexier than them :) Also, the day I get back and am totally done with interviews is a Sunday AND the first of the month! Yay for new beginnings! (and more time for doing fun things like blogging!) KK, must pack, thanks for staying with me as I lack commitment in light of other stuff, it is only temporary :)

On Track

2009-02-18T17:05:00.003-06:00

So yesterday I called the shrink's office to "finalize the divorce". I got no answer, so I got to enjoy the anonymity and sheepishness of voicemail. And you know what? I feel fantastic. Today was GREAT. I ate healthfully all day, I made it to the gym, I was mega productive and I am even looking forward to cooking Mexican food with J tonight. (You heard me, I WANT to eat dinner! I'm not over-stuffed or self-loathing!) This could have something to do with the fact that my weight was down this morning. Funny how that still dictates the tone of the entire day. However, one little good push is sometimes enough to start me on that path, so here to hoping. I feel like I'm finally ready to lose the excess and no more. Today, I feel healthy, happy and accepting of myself.

Tomorrow I am leaving for another interview- UW Madison. The more I think about it, the more it seems like that is the right place for me to be. (I know, I'm fickle.) Madison is a liberal town with a great music scene and amazing restaurants. It has fantastic surrounding scenery, doesn't require a car and has an intimacy larger cities lack. J would do really well there, and he would have any easy time going back to school (which he has expressed interest in doing). There are also a lot of jobs there. The only problem now is getting in- Madison is ranked really highly among Neuroscience PhD programs. Higher than my Chicago schools. I am worrying now that I will have gotten myself over-psyched now and then won't get in. Gah. I really REALLY want this... Wish me luck!

Doing Better : )

2009-02-16T11:29:00.003-06:00

So since I have been back in town I have been doing WAY better. J and I have been really healthy- cooking all of our meals at home from scratch with whole foods, going to the gym, getting plenty of relaxation time- it has been great, SO what I needed.
On Friday we went to a Michael Franti concert in Indiana- for those of you who don't know him, get on it. He's pretty much the Bob Marley of this generation and very much worth your time. Saturday we really vegged hard core- movies, food, lots of sickeningly adorable love and affection. Since everything had been so crazy recently we didn't really do anything spectacular for V-day, just enjoyed one another at home and felt good. It was exactly what I needed. Sunday was J's B-day, and sadly the present I got him did not come in time which made me feel like a loser, but whatever, it'll get here. I did make him a banana chocolate cake (without a mix or anything!) with mocha glaze frosting. I'm gonna go ahead and pat myself on the back here- it was fucking orgasmic. His bro M and the fiance A came over, and a couple of his friends stopped by. We shot some pool for a short bit in the eve and I fell asleep watching "Say Anything" (which is apparently the Breakfast Club of the early nineties that I had until now completely missed).
Throughout the whole weekend J seemed kinda down. At first I was blaming myself- I didn't have his present, I hadn't planned anything all that exciting- but he sort of spoke up about it last night to assure me I was not the source. He said I had been awesome, but "a bunch of things" were making him upset. He said he has always had trouble with his birthdays (a tree fell on him on his b-day once when he was a kid- I doubt that's the source of lingering anxiety, but a little funny). I know he said a while ago that his b-day would be hard this year (he is dealing with some major recent loss), and that could be it. His Mom went out of town over this weekend which might have bothered him. He has said he doesn't like getting older (he's 26- so God knows what 30 will do :P ). Whatever the case, I wish he would talk to me about it because I feel a little disconnected. Communication is something we pride ourselves in, and I want to ask him to share with me, but at the same time I don't want to be prying or invasive or digging up unpleasant feelings. I am hoping we'll be able to talk about whatever it is this eve...

(Insert clever transition here)

And an ED thought...
I have realized that before I met J, Monday-Thursday were good ED days and the weekends were shit. Now, pretty much the opposite because I am with him all weekend and then Monday I am left to my own devices. What I need is to combine the two- really be scheduled and disciplined during the week and use all my strategies, and then be around J and friends on the off times. Right now I feel great- I'll keep you all posted on how the rest of the week goes.

Still Struggling

2009-02-13T16:18:00.003-06:00

So in CA I was golden for a couple of days- I was eating write, I was using my memo pad, I was running for an hour on the beach every day and getting all kinds of love and fun from my awesome cousins. Then last night I get to my parents house. Immediate binge. And then again this morning. And this afternoon when I got to my apartment. J is due to walk through my door and I am really excited but I feel sort of guilty for ruining our little reunion by making myself feel like crap. I know being back to our normal life will help me out MAJOR and this little rough patch will dissolve, but right now I feel like hell. I didn't binge once in January and I must be at like 8 or 10 already in February. This whole traveling the country by myself thing is not conducive to my health and ED recovery. On the bright side I just got notice that I got into the University of Chicago Neuroscience PhD program! So, I have financial security for the next 5 years and a nice little path to my future. Crazy how I wasn't the least bit excited. Crazy how food and ED can ruin the best moments in your life. Because I know I would be ecstatic right now if I weren't busy hating my body and cursing my weakness and feeling like I might burst. What a strange place to be. Hopefully I can report back in a couple of days and say I am doing great. Wish me strength :)

Sending anyone who reads this some good vibes,

xKimX

Interviews, ED, etc.

2009-02-10T10:29:00.002-06:00

Apologies for the extended lapse in blogging. I did make it out the door that day, and somehow or another I got to my Yale interviews. They seemed to go really well, and the science was incredible, but I really can't see myself living in Connecticut. From New Haven I went to Chicago. J picked me up from the airport, and brought me the meds I needed from downstate. The airline lost my luggage, but after I finished replacing everything they located and returned it to me. On Saturday night J took me out to probably the nicest dinner anyone has ever treated me to. I honestly can't remember the name of the place, but suffice it to say it was AWESOME. He stayed the night with me at the Hotel Sax (compliments of the University), and we drank champagne and I was able to center and feel a little more whole again. I honestly don't think I would be making it through these interviews if it weren't for J- I would definitely have canceled and withdrawn by now. This guy is my rock and I am so friggan' lucky and appreciative. Sunday J left and I was wined and dined by the University at Gioco's. Monday I went to my University of Chicago interviews. I absolutely fell in love with the school and the program. I thought it would end up being Northwestern, but now I am not so sure, U of C seems to fit me really well. Last night I flew out of O'Hare to Orange County. I left my phone in a cab on the way to the airport, and thus my travels were incredibly stressful. Somehow or another I made it to Costa Mesa, and I am currently lying on a pull out at my aunts house. Today my cousin B and I are going for a run on the beach, and this afternoon my aunt, uncle and cousins and I are going for happy hour and appetizers. I won't be drinking, but I'm pretty stoked. Tomorrow I am interviewing at USC, and then Thursday I fly back to Chicago.

Eating well has been incredibly tough on this trip. I absolutely failed on that front at the Yale interviews. There was food EVERYWHERE, and everything was comped so the grad students hosting me were eager to eat and eat. I felt really gross for most of that stay, but tried to enjoy myself anyway. I am figuring I can only be in control of so many things at once, and in this whirlwind travel experience the food thing is tough. I have definitely overeaten immensely every day of this trip, and I even skipped a workout which is unheard of for me. I have today off to be healthy and I and happy for that. I weighed on my aunt's (somewhat friendly) scale and actually haven't gained much, so my mood is good now. I have been trying to figure out what is different about now and when I was doing well and I think the thing that is missing is the memo pad. I used to keep a little notebook and plan out what I wanted to eat the next day on the top half and then record what I actually ate on the bottom. This got me to think about what I would be eating in advance and plan to have treats and such later instead of as I craved them. I want to get a little notebook today so I can go back to that.

So, in short, I'm doing pretty well, but life is odd. I am falling behind in my classes, my lab work and my thesis, but I know it will all end up OK.

One day at a time.

xKimX

Battling Total Shut-Down

2009-02-04T15:00:00.003-06:00

I am supposed to leave today for my triple interview. I am supposed to be at Yale tomorrow, University of Chicago Saturday and University of Southern Cali Monday. I am supposed to be gone already, but I am shutting the fuck down.

I binged badly on Sunday during the Superbowl (anyone join me on that?). I broke down and started crying when we left the party and J stayed up and listened to me and soothed me for hours, even though he should have been off celebrating his team's win. He said there was nowhere he'd rather be, but I felt guilty as fuck. He stayed with me and talked to me until I fell asleep, presumably to keep me from throwing up or going to the gym.

I woke up the next morning and still felt like hell. On top of the binge, I was getting a nice latent coke hangover. He offered to take me home, but I said I couldn't get up. He went to work and I ate four bowls of cereal and the rest of his mint chip ice cream. I sent him an email saying what I had done and how I felt. He came back at 1 and took me home. I didn't go to class. I didn't go to lab. I didn't do anything that required leaving my building.

That evening I made it to the gym (on the first floor, big whoop). I felt a little better after, but I was still set on not eating any more for the day. That night J put out some salad and started eating some. He said it was there if I wanted it, but I didn't have to eat it. I had some. Then he made some whole wheat pasta with home made veggie sauce. Really healthy. He said there is plenty, and if I wanted some I could have it. No pressure, he'd eat it for lunch tomorrow if I didn't, but it was there. I ate some. It didn't feel good, but in the morning I was glad I had.

Tuesday I made myself worksheets and checklists to fill out to make sure I was eating, exercising and sleeping healthfully for the duration of this trip. I did pretty well yesterday, but I did overeat a little at dinner.

This morning I had to say goodbye to J. I won't see him for a week and it kills me. I got in my car and cried as I watched him walk off to work. Then I went home and ate more than I intended before going to my shrink's office to cry some more. I got it together to go to lab, but I had someone cover the second half of my experiment so I could go home. Then I overate before going to the gym. I felt a little better after and intense run on the treadmill (9 miles in 60 minutes baby!). I got a call from my Dad while I was stretching. He isn't going to help me out with money this month. I thought he might- I'm only 20 and I have a lot going on, he has sometimes before, but nope. He seems to think I am J's problem now. So I went upstairs to my apartment, and guess what? I cried some more. BUT I DIDN"T EAT. I got in the shower. Now I am blogging.

I am hoping to reconstruct my mindset here. Last night J was telling me, "This is a free vacation. These people are already impressed by you- they just want to wine and dine you and put you up in nice hotels and convince you to come to their school. It will be fun- you will meet people who you already know from their work and look up to. You have worked hard for this- enjoy this. This is a series of incredible opportunities."

I am trying to internalize that. This is an amazing week for me. I am going places I have never gone (on someone else's bill) to meet Nobel Prize winners and award-winning doctors. This is awesome.

The counter voice: You are so out of control! You are broke and going into debt, you are getting fatter all the time and have lost control of your body, you will be entirely disconnected from all those who love you, your interview clothes probably don't even fit anymore!

NO! I CAN DO THIS! AND LIKE IT! I am beautiful. I have a strong sexy woman's body. I will make ends meet, I always do, it may require a dig into the savings, but that is doable. I will kick ass on the interviews. And J is reachable for me 24/7.

I'm still not sure. will I get it together, pack and make it upstate for my flight? Or will I take a bunch of Unisom, get under my covers, and deal with the aftermath later? At least that way I can't be eating.

What am I saying? What is the point of this blog? The point is to get these thoughts out and let life in! The point is that I am a strong person, greater than this disease, greater than my fears, and excited to navigate this world. I am going to do it. I am going to get my ass up and dress, pack my shit, and get on my way! I have worked too fucking hard to ruin this now. Depression, ED, drug craving, anxiety- you can ALL KISS MY SEXY ASS!

Watch me go...

Blow and Body Love

2009-01-31T11:38:00.004-06:00

So I am currently in the lab (yes, on Saturday). Last night was the end of our Monday-Thursday complete sobriety plan, and we selected Friday as an OK day to drink and what not. We went to a local tapas bar for a drink, and then went to the grocery to get food for a nice meal at home. We made pork chops with a grapefruit avocado relish- sounds weird but trust me it was awesome. Then we get a text. J's brother M wants us to come over to his place for some "cough, sledding". My adorable J says, "I think I'll tell him it's a little too cold out." After a sideways look from me, he gets the subtext. We decide, hey, today is our party day for the week and we haven't seen M and his fiance A in a long time. It turned out to be an AWESOME night. When we first get there A comes up to me and asks me to be her bridesmaid! I was SO excited, I really feel like I am becoming a part of their family :) I had great conversations with J, M and A, and overall the night was lovely. J and M are the musical sort and I was highly impressed by them throughout the night. M sounds completely like Brad Nowell when he sings. J and I stayed over and stayed up all night talking and... well we know what blow does :) Best part? No comedown. I am at work now, haven't slept a wink, and haven't had a toot in 9 hours- I feel tired but mostly very good. (a.k.a. I am not sitting here envying the rats I coke up in the lab). Maybe because my body has had it so easy all week. J and I are of course back no-nothing now, but I feel like once in a while is OK. Also, our mindset has changed- we had 6 grams plus unlimited booze, pot and cigarettes. Between us all we only finished 3 grams (M has grand ideas for some special at home wash for the rest), and I didn't do anything else. J had a few beers, but really kept it pretty under control. I am also completely thrilled because when I first was saying we ought to cut back, I said to J that 3 days a week was more than enough. Now he says we should only have one day a week to put weird shit in our bodies. So yea, I am excited for moderated fun.

While we were laying around and letting everything wear off, J and I got to talking about my body image issues and ED stuff, and how even though I am eating healthfully now I am still obsessing. He literally gave me an hour long pep talk about how great my body was and I felt so incredible and so loved. He talked about every part of my body and why he loved it, paying special attention to my stomach- touching it and telling me how it is a woman's "most under appreciated curve"- (and he really actually finds it sexy- he got hard on from touching my little soft tummy!)At the end of that talk I came to the realization that I really don't need to lose weight, even now. I honestly think I get hit on more now than I did when I was thin (likely because I am happy and it shows) and that I really am beautiful as is. My new goal is to be as healthy as possible. If that causes me to lose weight, great. If not, that's great too. I feel like I had a major breakthrough in body love. Fuck the numbers, I look incredible.

Wishing moderation and self-ppreciation to all of you!

xKimX

It's Hip to be Square

2009-01-28T13:29:00.002-06:00

I have been back for three days from my trip and feel really fantastic. I have been really productive and healthy and J and I have been having an amazing time with one another. I have been sticking to my nutritionist's plan pretty well. It is as follows:

6 servings whole grain, 5 oz. protein, 3 servings dairy, 5 servings vegetables, 3 servings fruit, and lots and lots of water

1st meal- 300 cals.
2nd meal- 300 cals.
3rd meal- 500 cals.
4th meal- 700 cals.

Optional- 200 cals. any time/ any food

J and I have a few healthy cook books and a juicer that have been helping me a lot. When we get home in the evening, we pick something to cook, go get the stuff, and then make it together. Monday we made spinach linguine with broccoli and cherry tomato in a home-made peanut sauce. Tuesday we did a ginger-asparagus stir-fry with chicken, onion and red pepper and a side of couscous. Today we are probably going to eat leftovers and go to the book store. The last couple of nights we have also made carrot-orange-pineapple-mango juice and had some late night herbal tea. The cooking is primarily for me because going through the whole process helps me fight the ED dragon that tends to take hold at night. The juice and tea are mostly for J because he says they helps him avoid wanting to smoke or drink. We have both thus far successfully stuck to our "completely clean Monday-Thursday" plan. We also are still going to the gym together in the mornings on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. I've even managed to lose a pound this way (J lost 3 already, fucking men), which is a nice bonus. My nutritionist says that if I continue with this whole healthy-lifestyle thing I will probably drop 10-15 pounds and keep it off.

So, the whole square thing has been pretty awesome so far. Of course, it is only day three, but hey, I'm only going for a Monday-Thursday thing. We haven't really decided what goes on the weekends yet- I'll let you know.

Live well all,

xKimX

Disco Biscuit trip recap

2009-01-26T12:28:00.004-06:00

(I actually wrote this the 26, but somehow failed to post it...)

The Chicago show was ridiculous... It was at the Congress Theater where I used to go to shows in high school, but I encountered a very different place then I remembered. Somehow over the last few years the kids that frequent that venue have transformed from a crowd of happy hippies to a bunch of cranked out ass holes. On the up side, it makes me feel like my work studying meth could eventually do a lot of good. The show itself was rad and J and I still managed to have a killer time (once we had successfully contained the paranoia brought on by our doses) and really enjoy the experience. The final show last night we attended pretty sober and actually had as much fun as we did at any of the others, albeit in a different way.

J and I have talked a lot about this adventure and deconstructed our experience: The conclusions seem to be (1) We are really glad we did it, (2) We are getting to old for this shit, and (3) We really needn't use hard drugs much any longer and probably ought to minimize drinking. We have already been moving in that direction and this experience really solidified that notion.

On that note we have decided to really commit to continuing the healthy lifestyle we have started. We are already doing a good job working out together and sleeping more, and now we are going to work on continuing to cut back on drinking and drug use and cooking healthy foods together most nights. I know it sounds lame, but I am totally stoked. We also felt like we picked up some bad energies at the Chicago show, so we are going to see a shaman to align our shakras (hehe, how fun) and get massages.

And my eating... well I developed some bad habits (i.e. not eating frequently enough, making up for eating too much one day by eating less the next) and as such I gained some weight. My nutritionist and I have a plan, though, and I have set a weight loss goal. I have a target calorie breakdown for each day and am attempting to stick to it. We'll see how it goes...

Disco Biscuits Run, Day 3

2009-01-24T18:26:00.009-06:00

Ok, a lightening quick update of my adventure:

Thursday night we left and made it to Madison where we stayed in a hostel and saw the Disco Biscuits play the majestic. The sunset on the drive up was rad, the crowd was surprisingly straight-laced and the show started strong but finished a little slow. I had an awesome time because I was happy to get out of town with my J! We got our picture taken by a guy who said he runs the website for the venue, so hopefully those will go up soon! The next morning we ate at the Sunroom Cafe which is an awesome little second-floor breakfast place I loved when I used to live in Madison for a short while. Friday we drove from Madison to Minneapolis, where I have never been before. What a rad city!!! They have this Skyway which is a walkway that goes between all the buildings on the second floor above the street so you never have to go outside in the cold. We stayed at a Marriott and got this rockin' corner room that was huge with a rad view, and we ate at Masa, which is this modern Mexican place, totally upscale, sweet Sangria that we overindulged in a bit. We saw the Biscuits play First Avenue, which was a pretty shady place. They did full searches at the door so J had to run back and put stuff in the hotel room and I waited there 'cause it was cold, which sketched me out. The set the band played was so AWESOME it should probably have been illegal. Seriously, download it, Disco Biscuits in Minneapolis last night. Today we drove to Chicago and we're at this little B&B in Wicker park. J's napping and I'm getting ready... 10 minutes until I get to trip and rock out!!! Wish me fun, better entry soon, I promise!

Sunset driving through Illinois:

About to drop and head to a show, here is a lightening-speed update.

Minneaplois:

Sweet Hotel Room:

Cool rock formation:

And, sweet ass b&B room:

Better entry later, I promise!!!

XKimX

ED Recovery Anti-Progress

2009-01-22T11:38:00.003-06:00

So I knew I gained a lot of weight over Christmas and I was afraid to see my nutritionist. I finally went yesterday, and it sucked giant hairy donkey balls. I gained 7 lbs. and realized I had successfully undone the good eating habits I had started to establish. I was back to eating infrequently, not picking the right foods, making up for extra calories, the whole sha-bang. I definitely spent most of that hour crying and hating my body and feeling immense frustration. With the help of my lovely nutritionist, however, I was able to come up with a plan of attack. I was even allowed to set a sensible weight loss goal. What I need to do mostly is keep healthy food on hand and eat it throughout the day. I haven't been grocery shopping lately (rather poor right now) and have been eating unhealthy foods infrequently. She convinced me I need to prioritize myself and my health. Today I am going shopping for nutritious food to keep in the car on the road trip and when I get back I am going shopping for real and stocking my fridge with healthy fair. Gah, it just really infuriates me to have made anti-progress. Just think where the human race would be if we didn't so love self-sabotage. (I know, I know, save that emo shit for MySpace, right?)

I also saw my shrink this week. I tried to divorce her and it didn't work. I feel like she is too passive to be of use. I gently explained this and said I had too much on my plate right now to try and deal with the whole therapy thing too. She said that probably meant I was really in need of therapy. I am supposed to think about it for a week and let her know at our appointment next week. I really don't want to- I feel like therapy was nice when I was lonely but that now with so many friends around and a great relationship I don't really need it. Well, I have many hours of driving over which to ponder this.

And, to complete the Tx-team check-in run, I also saw my exercise counselor. She was actually really happy with me (I have done awesome sticking to my program), but she suggested I switch my work outs up once in a while. Apparently, the same exercise becomes less effective with repetition. In her office I totally vetoed this idea. The thought of changing the only part of this I was still doing well on freaked me out. However, I have since given it some thought, and have decided maybe making 3 programs (instead of one) and switching monthly-ish might make sense and be manageable. I am going to dicsuss that with her at our next appointment.

I am staying strong, I want to keep fighting, I am determined to get better. I am not in control as I once was, but I am not willing to give in.

Remember, ED is conquerable.

xKimX

Disco Biscuits Concert Run, Day 1

2009-01-22T11:23:00.005-06:00

Today at 3pm J and I are skippin' outta here so we can catch our first show of the run in Madison this eve! I am currently packing all of my favorite hippie concert-going items into a backpack and getting mega stoked about my adventure! Among my favorites:

My camo purse with a ribbon. I have had this since the seventh grade. The patch is one my uncle gave me (he works at Boeing) of a rocket, but I think it looks like a tampon.

My Ramones T-shirt. I found this at a thrift store about a year and a half ago. It has Korean writing on it and was only $2.

And, the single coolest posession I own, my dragon shoes. I got these about 6 years ago and I swear they have only gotten better with time.

I plan to blog as I go, so check in!

xKimX

Emotions Deconstructed.

2009-01-19T15:28:00.004-06:00

You ever feel overwhelmed and confused and just generally mentally fucked, but unsure why? Like, every day? Me too. This sometimes helps. This is an exercise I saw on another blog (Kyla) once that I often do on paper. It really helps me figure out where my head is at. All you do is spend a few minutes trying to connect with yourself and make a list all the things you are (or think you might be) feeling. Then you try and come up with the reasons you might feel them. Here goes:

Enthusiastic: I have lots of interviews coming up as well as fun concert excursions. I am getting really pumped about moving in with J this summer. I am ready to graduate college and move on the the next awesome phase of my life.

Excited: I get to go to killer concerts, travel to different cities, meet new people and use fun drugs this weekend.

Nervous: This weekend, I expect to be highly fucked up in unknown places with strangers.

Stress: I have to be writing my thesis, going to interviews, getting a ton of lab work done and keeping my grades up. I also am not going to work this semester, so I will be racking up some lovely debt.

Loved: J is incredibly supportive and never lets me forget how much he loves me. We are going to cook dinner together tonight and have a quiet evening at home. I was so lonely for so long, so this one really feels incredible.

Nostalgic: I just had lunch with my girlfriends and we were reminiscing about all of the times we've had in college and how it's coming to a close.

Accepted: I finally, for once in my life, have a group of fantastic girlfriends who I am open and close with.

Guilt: I have been neglecting my friends to some extent lately because I have wanted to spend so much time with J.

Apprehension: I really want to put everything into this life I am starting with J, but I am still worried about whether he will always be able to keep his drinking under control. He goes out a lot less, but when he does go out he gets fucked the hell up every time and it scares me. He and I have been talking about it and I want to have full faith he will continue to get better and better, but I am unsure.

Pretty: I had a follow-up interview for that GRE prep course I want to teach, and I am wearing my pretty blue eye-matching interview shirt.

Energetic: J and I got up early and went to the gym this morning. I had an awesome workout and feel great from it.

Worried: My Mom's mental illness has gotten really out of control lately. She may have to be institutionalized and I am really afraid of how that will affect my 13-year-old sister.

So, there you have it, the inner working of my head unveiled.

xKimX

Connectivity

2009-01-15T12:12:00.003-06:00

So some people have a real knack for creating fluid blog entries, riddled with subtle humor and connected throughout by a common thread that gives the reader a smile and a clear take home message. I am not one of those people.

First note:

So I definitely binge ate this morning and am planning on going to the gym soon. I am not going to go above and beyond my one hour workout I am supposed to do on Thursdays, but I am going to not eat again until dinner (when I have to because I am going out with the fam). I also will not eat any of the junk at the movies because I have had more than my fair share of crap food already today. Gah, 1300 calories before noon, I am such an idiot. I really liked calling myself "recovered", but I guess that I was just in remission or something. I will still feel ok today if I stick to this plan, and I can get back on track tomorrow. I'm really tempted to take a laxative and clear out. I think I probably will.

Second, entirely unrelated statement:

In the realm of Kim's no-longer-twisted lovelife, I had a pretty rad realization last night. I used to not be able to envision settling down with someone because I was afraid I would miss the chase, the jitters, the first kisses, the honeymoon phase where you adore one another's shit... But then I realized something: I am not giving up anything, I am moving on to something deeper. J and I have the chance to enjoy complete connection, a lifetime of shared experience and perfect comfort with and acceptance of one another. Finally, I have something real and the opportunity to explore and understand what all love can really mean. I don't feel like I'm losing anything; I feel utterly connected and I am gaining everything.

Final, again pathetically tangential, rambling:

My Mom is way off her rocker, and in a much different way than usual. She usually has three states: (1)Normal stepford wife interacting with the outside world. (2) Utterly depressed person lying face down naked on her bed sobbing. And (3) Manic crazy lady dissociated from her herself, joyriding without knowing where she's been. But what did I get this time? I got (4). And (4) is all new... complete apathy. She sits on the couch all day in sweats, laptop in lap. The house is a mess. She doesn't eat. Instead of speaking to me, she emails me from two cushions over (I kid not), as if turning her head to speak were too much effort. She spoke once this morning to say, "Huh. I had a dentist appointment an hour ago." And then turned back to her screen. We're dragging her to dinner and a movie tonight. We'll see how that goes. I just really hate it, like not knowing what I am going to get.

So, if I were a shrink, I could tie these together I suppose. Perhaps food is love. Perhaps when J is around the void is filled, and at home I often distinctly feel it's lack. But I am not a shrink. And I know my Mom loves me dearly, (I'm even her favorite), and just has some of her own issues to deal with.

And so it goes.

xKimX

Apparently, I am no fun

2009-01-14T16:20:00.005-06:00

So I actually had a really good session with the shrink today and opted out of telling her I didn't want to come anymore. She said that J and I work very well for each other, but that I am using him to fill a void. Which is true, I hate being alone... As always, she thinks it's a Mommy and Daddy thing- my Dad was never around growing up and my Mom has a mental illness so she was present yet absent. Thus, I feel the need to constantly surround myself with support and love because I had those thing inconsistently growing up and can't trust they will still be there without a physical presence to console me. That is also why I suck at life when I am single, apparently. The solution, I am told, is to fully explore and resolve the feelings I have (neediness, separation anxiety, etc.) and learn to deal with them when they arise when I am alone. I suppose I'll just keep seeing her the next couple of months until I move and see where this goes.

I met today with a favorite female neuroscience professor to talk about balancing the career I want and family life. Apparently, people in my field rarely take actual time off from there careers, but significant slowdowns (like 3 hrs. a day) are common. I like this idea a lot because the full-time Mom idea freaks me out- like I'd go nuts with zero adult contact. So, a slight alteration of my plan has already occurred. Apparently, having someone with really flexible work schedule and plans as a partner (i.e. someone like J) is ideal. Sweet.

I also met the grad student I work with in my lab to set up my schedule this semester (really light because I am also supposed to be thesis writing), and got some good news: My thesis research, which was turned down for publication in a national scientific journal, is now approved after some changes and extensions I made last semester! Yay, by the end of this summer I get to have published research!
In brief, we showed that blocking stress hormones in the body can prevent some of the brain changes cause by chronic meth use (crazy drug, haven't toughed it since I started this project). Now that the article is approved there is talk of moving to clinical trials in the next year. Of course I will be long gone off to grad school, but I'm still excited. Haha, at the end of that meeting this grad student I worked with told me she didn't think I'd had a day of fun in my whole life... I'd like to think I've got her fooled :P

I'm back at the parents house for a few days before I finally have to go back to class. I miss J, but I'm having a good time. We'll see if I can resist the ED demons while I'm here...

Peace Dudes

xKimX

Recovery Progress

2009-01-13T19:30:00.005-06:00

So I have been blogging less lately. It seems like when life is going well my creative juices dry up and I have less to say, or at least less I deem sufficiently interesting. When I am struggling I swear I spend like four hours a day pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard or brush to canvas, you know what I mean), but when life goes well I feel like I have nothing worth reflecting on. Anyway, what has been happening...

An update on the love life: I'm in deep. Head over heels. It's awesome. And the best part is, beside the passion and the sex we actually click wonderfully intellectually and want the same things out of life. J has said he will go with me where ever I go to grad school. We have decided to move in together when I make this transition. I am completely excited. He says he think we ought to get engaged in the next year. If everything goes smoothely once we are living together, I'm all for it. Woohoo!

As or ED stuff... They were out of Fiber One at the grocery so I wound up buying a raisin bran type cereal. I have alot of trouble with sweet cereals, so this was a little scary. This morning I ate way too much... maybe 850 calories worth counting milk (and by maybe I mean I measured how much was left to determine how much I consumed, so yeah, pretty accurate...). I was pissed at myself. Of course. But unlike in the mega bad ED times, I didn't keep eating at that point. I went to the gym, ate veggies for luck, and am planning on a small late dinner. My mood is good, and I am feeling OK. So, there are still incidents, but not nearly as extreme. I still obsess and keep records, but without the intense emotional consequences.

I am planning to tell my shrink tomorrow that I intend to stop seeing her, She is too passive and I am too busy. I am still planning to see the D once a month or so, but I think that is all I still need from my Tx team (which I used to have appt.s with 3x/wk.). I also haven't used any drugs (except a little teeny weeny bit of pot and booze) in the last week r so. Go me!

So such is life dudes.

Live well.

xKimX

The Next 15 Years

2009-01-08T14:46:00.005-06:00

So a comment on my last entry spurred me to predict how my life will look over the next fifteen years. Having it in writing, I will be able to compare (assuming I live that long) my ideal to whatever actually goes on:

This year: Move to Chicago with J, start graduate school at Northwestern.
Next year: J and I plan to get engaged if everything is still going well.
By 2012: Get married, again conditional, but I have a good feeling.
By 2014: Get my PhD in Neuroscience, take time off to start family.
By 2015: Buy first house.
By 2017: Have two kids.
By 2022: Get a post-doc position (once kids start school).
By 2024: Get a tenure-track University job, start my own research program.

How does drug use fit into all of this? I intend to funtion under my same current rules until I am trying to have kids. The rules are:

1. No meth or heroin- I like it waaay too much.
2. Really, really limit the ecstacy- it's already altered the old noodle.
3. Try not to drink more than four days per week.
4. Don't do blow more than once a week.
5. Hallucinogens are "special-occaision" drugs, no more than twice a month.
6. I smoke like two hits of pot a day, and don't intend to change that.

So yea, some may not think this sounds like moderation, but trust me, it is. I have more or less stuck to these rules the last 3 years and been pretty succesful, so I think I ought to be able to sustain that in graduate school. We shall see...

Honestly, the thing that scares me isn't drugs, it's the recurrence of my ED. If I go back to any of my ED states (anorexic, bulimic, or exercise bulimic), I'll definitely lose it mentally and fuck up my graduate education because having an ED is way to much stress to handle on top of that.

Well, whatever happens, you can't tell me I'm boring :)

xKimX

Balanced with Blow

2009-01-07T15:43:00.005-06:00

So the job interview went not so hotsy. The guy was really cool, but he said they were mostly looking for MCAT teachers. I will know for sure in a few days, but I most likely will not get it, and even if I did get the job I do not think I will take it anyway because I won't have time. I think I may just have to rack up some debt this semester because it looks like I will be gone pretty much every weekend:

Jan 22-25- Going to Disco Biscuits shows in 4 cities (yes, I like Trip-Hop :P )

Jan 31-Feb 2- Interview at Yale

Feb 6-7- Interview University of Chicago

Feb 13-15- Michael Franti concert in a neighboring state

Feb 20-22- UW Madison interview

Feb 27- Mar 1- Northwestern interview

Mar 19-23- Cabin in the mountains with J, his bro (M) and his bro's fiance (A) :)

Mar 28- Apr 4- HOPEFULLY I get to go with on the family vacay for my (finally) 21st B-Day, and my Mom's 50 (same day), but we'll see how it goes with school (considering I will have virtually not been there and am supposedly supposed to be writing my thesis.)

Haha, you like how I have my interviews balanced out with weekends that are ideal for massive amounts of drug use? I'm pretty happy with the plan.

On the up side, I have been eating really healthfully and normally this week. Go me!

Live well all,

xKimX

Snake Bite!

2009-01-05T14:05:00.005-06:00

So it is Monday morning, the first of 2009. As a lazy little student, I don't have a job to return to, but I do have some fun on my plate today.

After our lovely (and as some of you informed me, very lame) Saturday night, J and I woke up early Sunday and hit the gym. I have not missed a workout or done anything extra in months, so I am pretty proud on that front. (For those who don't know I used to be a compulsive exerciser, running 100+ miles per week.) J recently returned to working out regularly, and I am glad because I care about his health and because it is something healthy we can do together. I ate healthfully yesterday and have also done so so far today. Nothing like a new week to get me back on track.

This eve I have an interview for a job I want teaching a test prep class. I was planning on getting a haircut today (I know I'm a sellout, but I have decided the purple should temporarily be vanquished until my job and grad school places are secure. The man got to me!), but I felt lazy and didn't. Anyway, for this interview I have to teach a committee of interviewers a five-minute lesson on a non-academic subject. I picked "what to do if you get a bite from a poisonous snake". I am focusing specifically on a snake in our area, and I think it will go over well. If not, this job would be a lot of work, and if I don't get it, I can go find something easier. Haha, wish me luck (but not too much luck I guess).

So ya, life is good I suppose. My parents know I am not in school yet and are wanting me to go back upstate and hang out with them instead of staying here with J, so I may do that later this week. My shrink cancelled on me today, which is fine, I don't have any pressing issues and always feel awkward when I don't have anything to say. Oh, and sorry the title of this post made it sound like it would be a lot more interesting then it actually was. But hey, you read it! Bwa haha.

Hope 2009 has been good to all of you so far,

xKimX

The Weekend Warrior?

2009-01-03T22:17:00.003-06:00

So... Me n J just got back home after 4 days of visiting my whole extended family upstate. It was interesting. He got on well enough with everyone, and was able to more fully understand WHY I stress out so hard about going home. We got back, have been watching football all day, and just decided that it was pretty necessary for us to get fucked up now. Ha has some AWESOME herb, so we whipped that out. We mixed up some fruity martinis. And opted to crush up a couple wellbutrin and introduce them to our sinus cavities. For anyone wondering: tastes horrible, distinct throat/sinus pain, but feels a bit similar to coke. Didn't work like I remembered. I know, I know... I just got done bragging about how I'd been so good about drugs for a while. Come on, this barely counts! We vetoed the idea of going out to see what we could find, so this is seriously moderation dudes.

And ED stuff? Goes OK. Skipped the workout today, but J and I are going in the morning instead. I overate yesterday, but I underate today. Also probably a slippery slope, but I need to lose ten pounds.

Oh, and big news!!! I got an interview at Northwestern for their PhD program! They are my number one choice, and the woman who called me said I was among their very top applicants! Fuck yea!

Gah. It's Saturday night. I'll be healthy and whatnot again tomorrow. I swear. Perhaps I should investigate this "weekend Warrior" business...

New Years Goals

2008-12-30T10:29:00.001-06:00

Every year, since about 2002, I make myself a "life guide". It lists the current state and goals for each area of my life (relationships, education/career, health/body, etc.) in June and December I look through these to check my progress and note how I have changed. I just completed my 2009 guide update, and from it I have (as always) drawn this year's New Year's goals and resoltuions.

1. Maintain healthy eating and exercise habits and allow my body to settle at a natural, healthy weight.

2. Get into a neuroscience PhD program, hopefully somewhere in Chicago.

3. Become fully financially independent. Yes, this even means getting off the family car insurance and phone plan.

4. Stay in touch with friends and family as I move into the next phase of my life.

5. Prioritize and appreciate my relationship with Jeremy.

6. Become more environmentally friendly (open to ideas/suggestions for implementation of this!)

7. Make time to center myself and relax. Become stronger in myself and more in control of my moods.

8. Become more informed about current events (I just set my home page on my browser to a personalized Google news page!)

What are your resolutions? I LOVE to hear about how people prioritize their lives and go about improving themselves. Also, do you expect to be successful? I do.

AND for those who are interested, these 'life guides' also contain my life long goals, which actually haven't changed for several years now:

1. Have a happy healthy marriage.

2. Raise two children into well-adjusted, happy adults.

3. Stay satisfied with myself and happy with my current situation in each stage of life.

4. Get a PhD in neuroscience.

5. Discover something that will improve the quality of people's lives.

6. See the world.

7. Be free, be present, be appreciative, be aware.

8. Fill my life and the lives of others with love.

9. Leave the world somehow better then when I entered it.

Happy New Year!!!

xKimX

Back On Track

2008-12-27T20:38:00.005-06:00

So yesterday I tried to get back on track, but I ended up overeating anyway at night. But the good things about that day were that I did my workout, that I found out I got all A's again this semester, that I got an interview for the job I want in the spring working nights teaching a GRE prep course, that I lined up my second graduate school interview (University of Chicago and UW Madison so far!), that I got to have a good hour-long talk with Jeremy on the phone and that despite the storms my aunt and uncle arrived here safely from Cali. So the point is, yesterday I did end up overeating (like 3000 cals!), but it was overall still a really good day and I can't suddenly become obese overnight.
Today I DID manage to stick to my healthy eating plan, likely because I didn't let yesterday's disappointment get me down. I also made it to the gym again, did some work on my thesis, had another really great talk with Jeremy and got a bunch of errands done that I had been putting off. I am feeling way better! I am also feeling heartened that I will be able to go back to normal eating now that the holiday chaos has passed.

AND even though I have had some difficulty with my eating of late, I have still been doing AWESOMELY in terms of keeping clean. (FYI, my definition of 'clean' excludes booze and pot from the realm of drugs, it just means like no coke, meth, H, X and the like. I honestly would probablly still call myself clean after like acid or shrooms since they have zero abuse potential.) But yea, it has been over two months since Jeremy or I have done any of that shit, and I am proud of us.

And a little more on the relationship front... shit has definitely evolved. It has only been a short while (3 mos.) but I feel like this guy was freakin' hand-crafted for me. It's so rad, like I've never connected with another being like this outside of my madre. Oh ya, and big news- he's gonna move to Chicago (or wherever I end up) next year! He announced that that was his intent like a week ago and I was totally ecstatic/relieved because I didn't want to ask him to (resentment, etc.) but was totally wiggin' out about what would happen to us, so ya this like made my month. And I know I have to be realistic and a lot can happen and la la la, but hey for now I'm overjoyed.

That below is us after his company Christmas party wasted at a fav local spot, bwahaha. Hey, we didn't do anything shady, just ur usual Christmas cheer :)

Be healthy and love yourselves ladies and gents,

xKimX

Slightly later:

Gah. How come after I eat whatever the last thing I am supposed to eat is I suddenly start stressing out about the fact that I don't have more to eat. It's like when your coke runs out and you are really upset about it even before your high wears off from the last of it. Don't worry kiddos, I'll be strong, I have eaten the proper amount today and I know how good I feel when I stay on track. I can wait until tomorrow, I will be really strong for a couple more days, and then I will be all on top of my game 100% by New Years to start this 2009 biz-nass off right. But gah, I hate the feeling and I needed another little session of blog therapy to feel on top of it.

Sending strength to allll of you (and gettin' it back whether you know it or not!)

Peace, love, nighty night :P

Doing (not planning)

2008-12-27T09:14:00.004-06:00

With the new year fast approaching, and me once again feeling the need to pull myself out of the holiday eating rut I have found myself in, I sat down last night to make a plan of action. I began making tables of times, foods and calories and lists of things I should try to avoid. After about 10 minutes of this pondering, I glanced over at the pile of old journals and food diaries I had left out on my desk. How often do I actually follow my eloquent eating plans for their duration? Rarely. When I do, how does it make me feel? Either disappointed for being imperfect, or helpless because I am still unhappy. That pile of notebooks is filled with unchecked boxes, lines still left blank and goals unmet. So I stopped. Recovery is about breaking away from this obsessive behavior. I don't need to predetermine every bite, what I need is to be in the right mindset. I have to spend plenty of time pen to paper, I have to take time to enjoy the people I love and I have to love the body I have right now, today. Success is in doing, not planning.

And so it goes :)

A History of My Eating Disorder

2008-12-24T22:26:00.003-06:00

I'm at my parent's house for the holidays, and in my childhood bedroom I have been perusing my old journals, kept sporadically since about the age of ten. These journals hearten me because they show me that my core person has changed very little through the years. However, these journals also tell me that my eating disorder started much earlier then my diagnosis.

An entry from August 30, 1998 (age 10):

I started at a new school this week. I hate the clothes I have to wear, they show my flat chest and fat stomach and make me look like a dweeb.

April 2, 1999 (11th birthday):

I got new clothes today, but they don't look I want them to. I have a pretty face and I play sports, so why am I still ugly in cute clothes? I think I'm going to stuff my bra. I also stole my Mom's diet pills from Jenny Craig and I'm gonna do an ab workout every day and whiten my teeth. By summer I should be pretty.

June 5, 2001 (age 13, 134lbs):

My Mom is taking us on a month long road trip, a.k.a. a minivan prison will be my summer. This should be a good time for me to lose weight. I stole some Ephedra from Wallgreens, and I am going to try to eat as little as possible this trip. It's 4pm and I've had a Chewy granola bar and a fruit cup. I'll get a salad at dinner.

July 4, 2001 (age 13, 121 lbs.):

I have done awesome this trip, and seen some cool shit. I swim every day at hotel ppols and always order salad at dinner and try not to eat during the day unless my Mom is watching. This Ephedra biz-nass rocks my socks, I look fuckin' hot.

December 24, 2003 (age 15, 145 lbs.):

I seriously need to lose ten pounds. Andrew still wants to fuck me and tells me how hot I am and such, but whatever, it's not the same. Guys that wanna throw it in me say that shit cuz they gotta be nice to get what they want. I know that I looked way better thinner. Though I do like these tits that have sprung up. Maybe they'll stay.

March 12, 2004 (age 15, 135 lbs.):

I am going to Cali for spring break with my cousins! I look pretty good, I must say- been really careful. I've learned Tums make me feel less hungry when I'm really hungry. Today at soccer I told my co-captain I was excited because pre-season made me lose 5 lbs. My coach said, "turn around, you'll find it!". Douche.

January 21, 2006 (age 17, 157lbs.):

Oh my God, I am such a lard ass. Freshman 15? Try 25. I am going to take care of this, I can beat this. Diet Coke, gum, Hydroxycut.

January 29, 2006 (age 17, 149 lbs.):

Go me!!! This is mostly water, but I have still done AWESOME. I have worked out 90 minutes every day, and only eaten 400-700 calories. I am amazing, anyone who can't lose weight is a weak idot.

August 8, 2007 (age 19, 130 lbs.):

Dave is moving to Madison. I will hardly see him, he still hasn't said he loves me. I know it is easy to love thin women. I do, they are the ones I am most attracted to. So fragile. If I am thin enough he will love me.

December 13, 2007 (age 19, 107 lbs.):

I look myself in the eye and can't even find a person to stare back at me out of the hollows of that pedestalled designer body. Dave says if I lose 5 more pounds I'll be the same as Keira Knightley. Why not go for 8 and hit the single digits? My Dad thinks I have cancer or diabetes or something.

February 14, 2008 (age 19, 115 lbs.):

I just ate 6 cookies, 2 slices of bread with jelly, 4 bowls of cereal, a garlic roll left from last night and some jelly beans. My Dad told me I needed to gain at least five pounds to be healthy, and at first it was great to be able to eat a lot and not feel bad about it. Now I can't stop. I have to go run. (Later) I ran 17 miles, so I should probably be even for today. My knees kill.

April 12, 2008 (age 20, 121 lbs.):

Dave and I broke up. I was prego. That shit didn't last in this fucked up coked out half starved little body of mine. Hahaha. I can't stop crying. Or eating. Not sobbing, just a perpetual tear stream. I'm gonna go run.

June 25, 2008 (age 20, 135 lbs.):

Loss of control over eating. Check. Continual intense guilt about food. Check. Compensation habits. Check. I think I have an eating disorder. I feel so lost and desperate. HELP ME!!! What the fuck? How do I get out of this? I'm so fat and gross. I'm eating M&M's as I write this. I hate myself and I hate being here alone and crying all the fucking time. I just want to be loved and like myself. I'm so fucking lame.

December 24, 2008 (age 20, 149 lbs.):

I have really not been following my eating plan the last week or so. I know it is the Holidays and I am trying not to stress about it. I am going to be as moderate as possible, enjoy myself, and return to my treatment team's plan 100% post-holiday. In 2009 I will let be healthy and let me body find it's healthy natural weight.

These are of course only the ED bits of things, but the point is made- this pfucker has been around half my life. Diet pills at 11? For serious? This chica is loca in the cabeza. Well, at least I think my time with ED is finally closing.

xKimX

Speed Bump

2008-12-19T13:34:00.003-06:00

I think I just binged. I say I think because I don't intend to purge. But yea, it happened. I am leaving in 30 minutes to go upstate with J to meet my parents. I have not been sleeping properly, I have been neglecting the journaling and meditating that keeps me sane. I have been stressed over finals and Christmas. I am so pissed at myself. I was getting ready to leave my apartment, cleaning and packin and what not. Then I started to eat some of the foods that would go bad while I was away- healthy stuff. Green beans, grape fruit, yogurt, carrots, pear. Then slightly less healthy stuff. Tortillas and beans, dried fruit, nuts. Then bad stuff. Chips, cookies. I have eaten about 1700 calories today, which would mean that I am only supposed to eat 300 more. I worked out this morning, which helps, and I put on an outfit that makes me feels slim even though I still feel a bit fat. My Mom is cooking dinner tonight, and I know I can't restrict or over eat. It has to be just right. I will aim for about 500 calories- 200 from protein, 150 from carb, 150 from fruit and veggies. That will only put me slightly over, and it is still a long time until I have to eat (about 5 or 6 hours). I am trying to remain calm and not freak out about this. My N says everyone overeats sometimes, even stress eating is normal. The difference between ED and normal is continuing to stress about it. So I am going to put it behind me and eat a normal, healthy dinner. And I am going to go back to sleeping regularly and journaling or blogging every day. I can do this. This is not a road block, it is a speed bump that I need to just drive right on past. Wish me luck.

MANIAC!

2008-12-13T20:39:00.006-06:00

So after successfully warding off that bout of depression earlier this week, something very unexpected happened. The joyful, energized state I had been living in the previous week completely snowballed. As I sit here, sober and alone, I am enjoying drug-like euphoria, a sense of divine control and pulsating energy (despite having not slept since Wednesday). Although the last three days have been tremendously fun and productive (constant sex and hard partying all the while acing my final exams), I know that mania has the potential to turn ugly. For example, at the age of 15 I once, in a state of manic zeal to explore, rode my bicycle to a city 100 miles away with no money and no plan. I didn't sleep, eat or change my clothes for three days, nor did I contact anyone at home. It all worked out fine, but only because I am a lucky fuck. Point is, extreme mania is not desirable.

When I managed to avoid falling into that funk, I gave some thought to the possibility of using my bipolar disorder to my advantage. I could keep myself in a just-above-level state most of the time, and then shift into manic-mode during really hectic times. I could truly be in control. In order to do that, however, I will need to learn to manage the highs as well as the lows. I have put a lot of effort into identifying strategies to snap myself out of depression, but I have devoted very little energy to figuring out how to center myself from a state of mania (likely because it can be so much fun). Given the aforementioned symptoms, tonight seems a prime time to start testing some centering tactics. On the list for this evening:

1. Journal writing. Always sobering.
2. A guided meditation CD. I like the Open Focus series.
3. Play Kitaro. It's fabulous Japanese instrumentals that totally connect me.
4. Insence. I have a set of Feng Shui scents, and water is the calming element.
5. Sleep. If I can't actually fall asleep, I'll do what as my Mom intructed when I experienced insomnia as a child: "Just lie in bed with your eyes closed until morming." Usually, eventually, sleep comes.

Numbers 3 and 4 are already in progress, and I actually am already feeling the anxiousness ebb. Perhaps I am one step closer to becoming master of my mind.

xKimX

Tuesday Part 2

2008-12-12T01:00:00.003-06:00

As per a request, this is the second half of a story I put up on my August 31 post. The people and events in this little saga are all real, and together the comprise the single oddest day of my life. It occurred on August 18 of this year. For my most recent normal Kim's life post, see December 10.

They have moved the coffee table out from in front of the couch and lain down a rough looking green Afghan. Amy and I sit close to one another on one end of the couch, my legs crossed and her with her knees tucked up to her chest. She takes my hand and I put my arm around her shoulder. Mark is sitting on the other end of the couch, legs spread with one arm over the back. Sarah hand Amy and I glasses scotch and gives Mark a beer.
Jason walks in and smiles at Amy and I. He walks up behind Sarah and reaches around to her protruding hip bones; she tilts her head to invite his kiss on her neck. I think about my own body and how my bones are once again hidden beneath flesh, and how soon Dylan's will not be. He breathes gently into her ear and slides his hands up to her small elegant breasts; she arches her back. He drops to his knees and turns her toward him, unbuckles her jeans, slides them down to the floor. He puts his mouth against the front of her orange underwear and exhales slowly; she puts her fingers through his black hair.
As Sarah and Mark undress one another I can feel Amy's legs moving against me a bit as she rocks her hips slightly back and forth. I lift the hand I have on her shoulder and trace the outside of her ear with my fingertip. She smiles slightly but does not alter her gaze. Jason is lying naked on the ground, one arm behind his head and one knee up. Sarah has her head between his legs, her hair falling over his thigh. He looks calm, like he might be watching fish swim in a tank. I sip my scotch. The sounds of Amy's breathing, Sarah's mouth and the ice in my glass are strangely euphonic, a welcome contrast to a drill on my teeth or dirt on a coffin.
The grave is probably fully covered now. I wonder what sounds might make it through six feet of ground: Maybe a car crash or a scream. Maybe thunder. I wonder what it would feel like to be buried and hear thunder and wait for the rain water to seep down to my skin. I would not see it coming; I would forget the storm and be lost in my mind. The front of my body would then suddenly feel cool as the water reached me, interrupting my thoughts. I think about the time Dylan and I were lying on his roof looking at stars and the rain started and neither of us moved at all. The rain drops looked like gravel falling toward my face.
Jason is seated upright, his legs forming a diamond. Sarah has her legs wrapped around his back. There bodies are pressed tightly against one another and Jason has his arms under Sarah's armpits and his hands on her shoulders. They move rhythmically and maintain perfect expressionless eye contact. Amy has dropped one hand to her lap. Mark is looking out the window. I feel trapped as I realize I am bound from speaking. Sarah drags her nails down Jason's back. In two places droplets of blood emerge.
Sarah arches her back and puts her hands down on the floor behind her. She moves her hips quickly and moans. She still has her socks on. Jason puts his hands on her bony hips and thrusts three or four final times. He pulls her back in close to him and they take a few slow breaths together. Amy's cheeks are tear-streaked. Mark finishes of his beer and wipes his mouth with his sleeve. Jason gets up and leaves the room and Sarah wraps the green Afghan around herself. Scotch, sex and crying: Hemmingway really is the best writer ever.
I hear glass clinking in the kitchen and I assume more drugs are on the way. I untangle myself from Amy and get off the couch. In the kitchen I find Jason, still naked, setting the table. There is water in a pot on the range and a box of spaghetti on the counter. "I'm always starving after sex," he says through his cigarette. I smile; I thought that only happened to me. Amy and Sarah wander in from the living room, Sarah back in her orange panties and tee. Mark stays on the couch, still staring out the window. I glance at him and know unequivocally that he will be the next to go.
As the four of us eat spaghetti and pass around a bottle of cheap merlot I feel exhilarated and lucky. The most raw and beautiful day of my life is leaving me feeling stripped. I will never be more alive than I am right now.

Fighting Bipolar, Cravings and the "Fat feeling"... and Actually Winning

2008-12-10T11:16:00.007-06:00

A funny thing about bipolar disorder is that after a while you can predict the highs and lows, almost feel a raise or a drop coming a day or so in advance. Over time you learn to expect this, to the point that highs are difficult to enjoy due to knowledge of an impending period of depression.
Tuesday I woke up and I had that ominous feeling. My usually racing mind was sluggish, my motivation was caput, I felt "fat" for the first time in quite a while, I was stressed out about my less-that-trying day and nothing that usually cheers me sounded fun. Dr. A has been trying to convince me that I do not have to succumb to these feelings and mood changes, that I can be "proactive" and reverse them- but of course this is easier said than done. It's hard to make yourself follow a list of pick-me-ups when simply dressing seems daunting.
Luckily, I didn't have to be anywhere until 2pm, leaving me 6 hrs. to work out and get dressed. Given the state I was in, that was about the right amount of time. Before I even got to the gym, the little ED behaviors were sneaking up:
(1) I started picking at leftovers and food that was still in the package,
(2) At lunch I went back for another cookie- twice.
And (3) I actually chewed this gooey dessert bar thing and spit it out. At this point I told myself, Kim you are recovered; you do not need this anymore. You are strong and you can not slip.

I was determined. I did everything I could think of to snap out of it:

1. Go to the gym, do strength, cardio and streching. Appreciate my body in motion and enjoy the chemical rush.
2. Shower, dress and really put myself together. Find things I like about the way I look, and walk confidently (even if I don't feel it).
3. Hit the tanning salon- nothing like a little UV therapy to fight the winter blues.
4. Listen to happy music. I was rocking me some Sheryl Crow on my iPod at the lab, and yeah I got some looks as I loudly sang "I wanna soak up the sun", but hey, it felt great.
5. Write about it! Open up my journal, put that nice Uniball to the course paper and let it spill. I also wrote emotion lists and gratitude lists.
6. Ensure I wouldn't be alone (i.e. have opportunities to binge) in the evening. Luckily, Jeremy took care of this by inviting me out for the night and pick me up straight from work.

So by the time I was locking up the lab around 7, I was feeling pretty good. Jeremy took me to see an indie flick at the local art theater with some friends. (This theater serves tea and baked goods instead of soda and popcorn- I had Chamomille and a bite of Jeremy's brownie.) Afterwards a few of us went out for a beer to talk about the film. It was a great conversation, and Jeremy and I both managed to stick to one beer a piece. At this point I was feeling like myself again, really "in it". Jeremy and I went back to his place, watched the Colbert Report, and ended up talking until 4am. I felt so fortunate and connected, all the more so because I know how horribly this day could have ended.

Today I once again feel amazing. I managed to ward off a bout of depression, avoid a probable ED relapse, and practice moderation in a bar. Two months ago I would have said none of these things were possible, but believe you me it is well within reach. I feel in control and enjoy each passing breath.

Wishing you all health and happiness,
xKimX

Life Without an Eating Disorder Rocks!

2008-12-07T16:44:00.011-06:00

Today marks one month of me being BINGE FREE!!!

As such, I will dedicate this post to:
THE TOP 5 REASONS LIFE WITHOUT BULIMIA ROCKS!!

1. I love myself. I am proud of my accomplishments, respect the person I am and fully embrace my present self. Hell, I even like the way I look naked :)

2. I have time to really pay attention to all the relationships in my life. When I was in ED mode, I never felt I had enough time for my friends and family, let alone the ability to maintain a great relationship. Now I feel so surrounded by love, it's incredible.

3. I'm happy. I am less stressed, more appreciative, more connected and generally feel lucky to be meandering this Earth (as opposed to resentful about having to do so).

4. I am more successful. Without ED I am much more competent in the lab and less tressed, and my colleagues have noticed. My lab director told me the other day how far I had come recently. I am calm, focused and crazy about my work. Yeeaahh neuroscience research, bring it on Grad School!

5. I have time to figure out what my interests are and enjoy them. I read, blog, paint, sculpt... all these parts of me that ED occluded have re-emerged. The other day I bought 30 feet of butcher paper (a little impulsive) and today I played with it:

Haha, no Kandinsky but I had fun.

The point is, recovery rocks. And I want to thank everyone who helped get me to this point because the little blog community serious helped. To those still struggling: There is hope! You can do it! Please know there is another side, with so much life and love to be had!

So much love,
xKimX

Vino Veritas

2008-12-06T02:26:00.003-06:00

Today I was given two tickets for an "accident" that didn't involve any collision. I signaled to switch lanes, he swerved into a curb, and at the next stop light he pounded on my wondow. I pulled over but wouldn't give him my info without the police present. Long story short, although officer frinedly seemed sympathetic to my crying ass, I was ticketed for not having an insurance card on me and "improper lane usage". I could have fled the scene. I could have claimed I knew nothing about the incident. So many ways I could have weaseled out, but I felt all obligated and such. But I still think I can take care of it in court. I was supposed to lose my liscence this year but a little convo with the state's attorney saved me. Now I have this strange naive sense of invincibility. We'll see how it plays out.
With me in the car was my ED buddy, A. She is still in the depths of her struggle, and I think I am the only person she really shares it with fully. Maybe her boyfriend also. Anyway, she kept me pretty calm (aside from one short bout of hysterics), and I am glad she was there with me. We used to hate each other and we share an ex boyfriend- ED makes strange bedfellows I suppose- but now we're pretty tight.
After the incident I went to the grocery. I made dinner for J, myself, my room mate and my best friend (a guy I've known since 7th grade). It was a great time, and the best part was xero food anxiety.
After dinner, I told J I'd bought some vino and games and such and some friends and I planned to make an evening of it. He told me his brother wanted to jam this eve. I said, that fine, I am disappointed, but I didn't ask in advance, go ahead and have some fun. He then said he would call me at 11 or 12. At 1 he still hadn't. This is the first time he has ever not done what he said he was going to do, and I was hurt. Escpecially after I cooked him dinner. I called him and he asked what was going on. I told him my friends and I were finishing up. I hoped he would say he wanted to meet up with me, but I didn't ask. He said he would be at his brothers until late. I said, shortly, that's fine, bye.
But now I feel like crap. I have felt like this with other guys before, but it is the first time with J. I just feel lonely, and I know it is wine-powered and chemical and shallow, but I really wish he were here with me. I just pictured my evening ending snuggled up with him. I know I'm obsessing and being emotional, but I think not irrational. I suppose I'll sleep on it. Update to follow, I assure you.
I will say I am glad I get to see Dr. A Monday. A week does seem a long while to wait.
One cool thing- although I feel lonely and upset, the temptation to binge is minimal. A month ago at this point, upset with the boy, alone and a bottle of wine in, I'd most likely be a quart of ice cream and half a cereal box further into the ground. But I don't want that. I'm actually not feeling self-masochistic: I know that would make me feel worse, so I don't want to do it. This recovery thing is great- I am unhappy, but I am not compelled to test how unhappy I could possibly be. A distinct improvement.
Enough drunken ramble from your truly.
Buenos Noches,

xKimX

Update on the new T

2008-12-02T20:06:00.004-06:00

My new T, we'll call her Dr. A, is working out pretty well. I was slightly put off at first- I was in there literally 4 minutes when she asked,

So have you been diagnosed as bipolar before?
Grr. Yes. That is not what I was here to talk about, but apparently it is going to be.

Been on any meds for that? There is not an iceberg's chance in hell that I'll fill any scrip you give me unless I intend to crush it and suck it up nose.

But, after that was cleared up, it was pretty smooth sailing. She doesn't ask too many questions, she just sort of lets me go off and then gives me her take on it. I prefer a therapist with a more active approach, but I'll give this ago because she seems relatively bright and insightful. She also said

You would probably benefit from coming in more than once a week.
So I made the she's-that-crazy list.

Unfortunately, I can't disagree with her. Mostly I'm only as together as I am right now because I see her, my nutritionist and my exercise councelor every freakin' week, so why not up it? What I need to remember is that, at least for now, this is what it takes for me to be healthy. I'll probably be able to wean a bit eventually, but I am in a good place right now because of these people. Come on Kim, stick with it. Gah.

Sobriety, conversation and nudity... story of my life?

2008-12-02T09:08:00.003-06:00

I'm back to my regular life, and I'm actually really enjoying it. Last night Jeremy came over and I cooked dinner and then we just hung out and talked (mostly ;) all eve- without any alcohol or drugs. Whoa, cool. I was actually worried at the start of our relationship that if we didn't get super fucked up we wouldn't be interested in having these long conversations with each other, so although it seems small, these little things really make the whole cleaning up my act thing see much more worth while.

Kundera, one of my favorite authors, says in his lesser-known work "Identity" that love can't survive a loss of conversation. I was thinking about this a lot- and I think I agree. The surest way to bridge the gap between one consciousness and another is through the interchange of thoughts via conversation. Even meaningless, idle chatter keeps that bridge in tact so that when something of substance needs to be said the space it must traverse is small.

Quick ED update: I am still eating regularly and nutritiously, no binges in over three weeks now. I am back to my regular exercise routine and that too is going well- I feel really refreshed after having been away from the gym (and outside hiking instead) for a week. I still have some intermitent body image issues, but for the most part I feel pretty secure and attractive. Using my body outside so much last week really helped- I'm trying to see my body not as something to look at but as something to be appreciated on many levels, and that definitely helped me along in that direction.

Oh, and a quick side note- I've been thinking for a while that I should get a professional photographer to do a nude photoshoot with me- keep it classy of course, probably no full exposure or anything- but the point is, I want to be able to say, this is me, ten pounds above my "ideal" weight and 40 pounds over my ED low... and I look FUCKIN' SEXY. Just a thought :P

Stay healthy and spread the love,
xKimX

Thin Ice/ "I Know Physics"

2008-11-29T10:43:00.004-06:00

So I just feel compelled to explain the top photo in my last post (my bro on that oh-so-thin ice)... My 18-yr-old brother and I are on a trail on some mountain. Steve decides he want to go "exploring" because he hears a creek and wants to find it. We go down a very scary steep icy hill and find this river, and see there is some sort of small island in the middle of it. Steve, in his infinite wisdom and supreme judgement, announces "I'm going to leap to the island". The water is so cold there are ice chunks floating down river, and the distance about 12 ft. Clearly not doable. I tell him this, to which he responds, "I jumped 19 feet in track last seaon, I'm a conference champion. Plus, I know physics, I'll make this." I remind him that the long jump involved a long running start on a paved straightaway, not a steep snowy bank from standstill. He says that's why he will only go about 12 feet, perfect. So, genius takes his leap, lands three feet short and gets his pants wet to his knees, scurrying the last few feet to the little land mass. Once there, he says he is going to get out on the other side because it is closer. Obviously this a bad idea because the path is not on the other side, and the river curves away from the path. But of course, anything I say is stupid, so he gets out on the other side anyway and starts walking upstream to find a place to cross. About a quarter mile up we encounter the place in the photo. there are only about 6 feet of river iced entirely across (the dark parts are just water), and he decided he should traverse the river on his belly. "I know physics, I'll spread out me weight." Famous last words. I'm freaking out at this point and urging him not to. I saw something on discovery channel once about how people trying such things fall in, get rushed down river under the ice, are never heard from again, blah blah blah. So he lowers himself onto the ice and starts inching across. About half way through he stops. "Kim, take my picture!" "No, get the hell outta there before the ice breaks!" "I'm not moving until you take my picture!" And he's serious. So I grudgingly and hurriedly take out the camera. Once the shot is snaped I reach a stick out to him and pull him across (he's lost the means to propel himself further) and by some miracle he gets out fine. Oh, little brothers.

I Love Hiking in the Mountains!!!

2008-11-27T20:27:00.003-06:00

These are my vacation pics, and they are pretty dope. We saw all sorts of sweet mountains and forests that were damaged in the 1994 fires and waterfalls and such. We actually forgot the camera on the coolest hike- 12 miles along a river with some crazy rapids- but I think these make the point.

Yeah Gratitude

2008-11-27T17:40:00.003-06:00

This trip has been INCREDIBLE. My whole crew (all six of us) have been getting along well and I have definitely been able to satisfy the I-miss-my-fam craving. I even managed to get through Thanksgiving (we did ours yesterday) without overeating- I didn't even think that was possible.

Over the course of the week I have done about 30 miles of hiking in the mountains. I am a total hippie and love being "in touch with nature", not to mention having a way more fun form of exercise than the eliptical at the gym. Being here has definitely fed my spirit.

But... I still can't wait to get back. I miss Jeremy intensely. I am a little nervous about seeing him- I have only known the man two months, and we haven't seen each other in two weeks... it was one of those fall-fast-and-hard things and I am totally nervous it will somehow be different or ruined. As I sit here thinking about him I am simultaneously feeling an intense love and a desperation that borders on nausea. Oh, Kim, you have let yourself get in over your head once more. But I honestly don't think I could have stopped it if I'd tried. Haha, silly girl, sitting here thinking, "maybe this time I won't get hurt."

In short, life is great. I definitely feel centered and ready to get back to my life. I hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgiving!

__________________________________________________________

(Because it is Thanksgiving, after all)
Gratitude List:

1. My whole family is together, healthy and getting along. I can actually say I have good relationships with both my parents and all my siblings.

2. I am in love with a brilliant and loving man who loves me back. I am so excited to see where life will take us.

3. I have a truly incredible circle of close friends. I can be myself fully around these incredible people, and I know they will always love and accept me (as I will them).

4. I am finally out of the ED woods. I am maintaining good healthy eating and exercise habits, and I feel great because of it. I never knew life could be so full and free of anguish.

5. I love my body. I really do. It is strong and healthy and attractive. I am within the healthy weight range for my age and height (albeit the high end), and I look and feel vital.

6. There is purpose in my life. My ability in neuroscience is rare, and I can use it to help people live fuller lives. Problems like mood and personality disorders isolate people, and I want to figure out the basis of these problems and how to correct them, thereby offering people the means to break out of their lonely struggles and connect with and love others.

7. I am not looking forward to the next stage of my life. I am happy with the now.

Mostly, this list is saying that I am greatful for love. I am greatful to have love for myself, share love with so many others, and help people who lack love find it.

Ugh. Hangin' in there.

2008-11-24T21:35:00.007-06:00

Ugh. I just went out to a big steak dinner with my family and I feel totally gross. I suppose it wouldn't qualify as a binge because it was not "significantly more than most people would eat in a similar situation" and also because I was not alone, but the tight-skinned bloated belly certainly feels binge-like. I have a plan for tomorrow and I am truly trying to treat myself well; I will keep my portions in check.
Being with the family 24/7, being on vacation, and it being Thanksgiving week, I would say this is an ultimate test of my ability to truly achieve a state of ED recovery. I am determined.

On the success side, I did manage to avoid all processed foods today- no Doritos, Oreos, or other junk traps my family keeps stocked. Even better, way out here I am in no danger of any drug use, and I'll probably only have a total of about one bottle of wine all week, so the staying clean thing is going well (by default).

I'm still really worried about J drinking. I don't want him to have to run from anything. I understand that the fact that he recognizes and wants to fix the problem is huge, and I know he will. My problem is trying not to get overly involved. Where do I draw the line? I know I shouldn't guilt or nag him or push him into anything he doesn't want to do, but can I express to him how it worries me? Can I tell him I can't see myself staying with a man long-term who doesn't have that under control? Because that is true. I just love him and want him to be OK, and I don't want our relationship to develop any unhealthy codependencies. I dunno, maybe I'm making this bigger than it is, I'm just worried.

Happy Thanksgiving all... ha. ha. ha.

The Meaning of Life in Five Sentences

2008-11-22T21:40:00.004-06:00

I am a being as are all of you reading this, as far as we can assume. Within each of us is an animatory force, and whether or not these forces are connected, they share a certain universality: Each seeks to be loved, accepted and respected. With this drive we move through the world seeking love and connection. When we find it, intangible bridges form between seemingly sequestered sets of consciousness. This is the ultimate goal of our existence, to satisfy that need within ourselves by connecting and helping others to do so. Good is anything that promoted this, bad is anything that hinders.

This is my overly simplified operational definition of the meaning of our existence.

Getting Centered

2008-11-22T20:31:00.008-06:00

Hello!

I am still going STRONG! I have not smoked any cigarettes, used any drugs and have only drank a few times (albeit slightly too much) all week. And best of all, I have not binged once in TWO FULL WEEKS!!!

Five Reasons I Am Finally Succeeding:

1. I am actually eating the 1800-2000 calorie diet my nutritionist has prescibed.
2. I am only exercising as my fitness councelor recommends.
3. I am actually taking time every day, at least and hour, to myself to journal, etc.
4. Jeremy. He is so supportive and loving and affirming.
5. My new psychologist. She is actually an ED specialist and helping me get to the root of my problem.

Right now I am on vacation with my family in a very secluded mountain town, getting away. I was really stressed about the trip because I often have extreme ED problems when I am at home. I am feeling pretty centered right now though, and considering it is the holiday season I am relatively relaxed. Getting away from my grandparents is great (sorry, their horrid), I think this may be one of my best Thanksgiving weeks in years. I am still not feeling 100% secure with my newfound freedom from ED symptoms, but I am really getting there.

I am so blessed to have my whole family here and together, and I am soo looking forward to sitting around here all week, hiking, writing, reading, and catching up with work and family. Definite centering time.

I miss Jeremy incredibly. I still haven't seen him, it's been a week and still a week to go. I am realizing how much I cheated myself in my last relationship, now that I am with someone who actually loves me. He calls, he misses me, he says such sweet things. The other day he was out when I called, and I was a bit emotional and I told him I loved and missed him. He said, "I'm melting, your so sweet. I love you too babe." It just felt so good. I picture the moment I get to fall back into his arms constantly.

Oh, and one last thing: Now that I have decided to stop dieting (one of those self-help books told me it was a form of oppression), I've lost 3 lbs in the last few weeks. Who knew?

:)

Loneliness and Connection

2008-11-17T17:21:00.006-06:00

During my morning meditation I was thinking about lonliness, and how when I was in the depths of my ED or the throws of any other addiction I have dealt with these last few years, loneliness always seemed to be a factor. When I would really try and decipher what exactly I was trying to stiffle or run from lonliness would always come to mind. From there I began to ponder what might have changed.

First, I identified a few main reasons I (and probably a lot of people with low self-esteem and self-destructive tendencies) had felt so disconnected; how I had built walls instead of bridges, leaving me lonely even when surrounded by people:

1. I lied all the time.
I lied to hide my ED, to legitimize feelings I couldn't or didn't want to explain, to make people find me interesting or worthwhile because I couldn't imagine the real me would do that.
I have worked really hard to become more honest, but now that I am with J who is actually genuine almost all the time, I see how far I have to go. Already, though, I feel more connected and am beginning to see people will actually like me (which feels great).

2. I always pretended everything was perfect.
This made it so people had no chance to see where I was coming from, and didn't feel comfortable sharing themselves with me. Admitting my ED troubles has really helped me get past this.

3. I was critical of others and myself.
This makes people uncomfortable and unsure of how I might speak of them in their absence. Speaking highly of others has made me judge myself less harshly and made others more apt to be around me.

I am not sure whether these tendencies developed prior or in response to my ED and other escapisms, but I am sure that working on these things is helping me learn to love myself and live fully.

Update On Recovery!!!

2008-11-15T19:21:00.003-06:00

Drug Abstinance/Alcohol Reduction Update:
So I have not had any cigarettes this week. That is good. I also went to a hippie show on Thursday and refrained from all drugs besides pot, which I consider a victory. I did drink last night, but I didn't use anything else (even though there was a lovely eight ball available to me). This all feels like I am making good progress on my toning-down-the-partying front. Also, seeing as it is Saturday night and I am in my apartment powering through grad school apps rather than at a bar powering through shots, I think I am doing quite well.

Eating Disorder Update:
Feeling pretty good. I have this little notebook I have been carrying with me, and on the top half I plan what I eat for the day and on the bottom I write what I actually eat. I also have two boxes to check off, one for a "recovery activity" (journaling, blogging, meditating, nature walk) and one for remembering to make the next day's plan. I have not been very good about remembering these things (maybe3-4 days I got to check my boxes). I have calories alotments for each day based on what my nutritionist has told me and on how much I work out, and this week I was slightly over but stayed pretty close.

But the big news?
I HAVE NOT BINGED FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK!!!

How, you ask?

Well...
1) One thing is that I have stuck to my exercise plan (60-75 minutes 4 days/week rather than my former near-daily 4 hour purge runs) and avoided dieting, so I have not been ultra-starving.
2) Also, I have been letting myself have the foods I want. Peanut butter? 1 slice of bread with that fabulous spread. Muffin from the coffee shop? I'll try banana nut. Amazingly, incorporating this stuff and knowing I can have it again when I want it makes me not crave it even when I am feeling stressed or lonely.

But mostly, I think it was my change in mind set that actually let the tried and true strategies work this time around.

But wait! It gets even better!!

I don't hate myself nor do I feel the utter hopelessness I have been plagued with much of the last year. Yes, I am stressed- it is the last week before fall break so classes are crazy and all my grad apps are due. Yes, I am lonely- J left this morning for a week long business trip and I leave town the day before he returns.
But self-loathing? Nah. I'm actually pretty proud of myself, and I feel like I can handle the world.

So I think this whole lightening up on the drugs thing combined with a positive mindset, full support system (family, friends, boyfriend, nutritionist, exercise councelor, psychiatrist, psychologist, heck I even have a sleep councelor), and a mountain of self-help books may actually be enough to kick this nasty little bugger.

THANK YOU SO MUCH TO ALL OF YOU HAVE OFFERED YOUR SUPPORT, IT HAS TRULY HELPED ME GET TO THIS POINT AND I OWE YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR HELPING ME GET ON THIS PATH TO RECOVERY!!!

Moving Forward

2008-11-13T14:45:00.002-06:00

I feel AMAZING today. I had a revelation: losing weight won't change my life at all. Seriously. The only thing I could rack my brain to come up with is that my clothes would fit better. Nothing else would change. Weight is just weight and body size is just body size. It has no further ramifications. So, this is how I am and I am truthfully happy with it. I am ___ pounds and where a size ___. (I'm not ashamed of my numbers, I just have gleaned that blanking them is the kosher thing to do in the ED world.) This is me, and that is fine, great even. I am not trying to change my body. I am eating and exercising for health. For real, like I am not just saying that because I am supposed to or to keep my shrink happy.

Speaking of shrinks... I have an appointment with a new clinical psychologist next week. I also have an appointment with a psychiatrist who is going to evaluate whether any sort of medication would help me. I am going to treat this ED business like a war and I am going to launch a full fledged attack on all fronts- I am still seeing a nutritionist, a fitness councelor (who I had a great meeting with today), and have even had a couple of appointments with a sleep councelor. I am truly ready to let go of my ED and I want to move forward.

Cleaning Up My Act

2008-11-12T08:36:00.007-06:00

So I am once again entirely impressed and excited for/with/about my J. The man has been through a lot this year, and since I met him he has still been drowning that sorrow with the bottle, and smoking like a mack truck. I usually wouldn't date someone who behaved this way, but he has always maintained composure (and had a fairly legit reason) so I decided I'd give him a little time.

Yesterday he texted me and said he wasn't up for the Tuesday night trivia/drinking game we usually play this at local martini bar, that he wanted to finally kick his lingering chest cold. I almost commented then that maybe he should just stop smoking pot for like six hours, but he saved me from my snide remark with a suggestion of Thai food instead (Yay!!).

Over dinner he told me he is cutting way back drinking, smoking and all other drugs entirely for a while. I of course told him I thought that was a great idea and I would support him 100%. Haha, for some reason he seemed surprised that I was all for this idea.

Drinking, smoking and hard drugs (which I thought only meant like heroin, but I guess the acid, coke and speed I so enjoy count too) have definitely been a road block in my ED recovery. When I party hard, I end up staying out all night and being overtired, feeling guilty about all the calories in booze, and feeling like I am being unhealthy. All of these things DEFINITELY precipitate binging. Repeatedly, my therapist has brought this up, and I have refused to really acknowledge it as a problem. However, I think having J decide it's time to clean up is exactly the kick in the pants I need.

I have a bio test tonight, after which I am going out, and there is a hippie concert Thursday that will likely be a shit show. I am calling these next couple of days my last hoorah for a while, and then I am going to seriously scale back. No smoking, no hard drugs (whatever that even means) and limited drinking (say 1-2 nights a week at 3 max drinks a piece as opposed to my usual 5-6 nights at 6+).

I am soo excited to get healthy with my man. He's from California, so he has a lot of the crazy health nut tendencies (obsession with soy products and herbal teas, all-organic bath goo...), and I am totally willing to get into that stuff with him.

Any suggestions on what sober people do to have fun in the winter? Sex and movies can only keep me going for soo long...

Wish me luck!!!

Lost my balance, but didn't slip

2008-11-08T13:09:00.003-06:00

Well...

I am going home tomorrow, and I get to se J which is exciting. For some reason today I had a mad jealous wave and got all emotional this morning... rediculously unlike me. I didn't call him and be "that girlfriend" or anything, but I am glad this little separation is coming to a close.

I feel like when I don't binge for a little bit, really odd emotions start to surface. Like just spontaneous fits of euphoria or sudden uncontrollable bawling, and also weird reactions to things (i.e. jealousy after seeing how many posts he had on his Facebook wall... lame, Kim. High school ended.)

I went to the gym to try and level out, but when I got home I was still feeling pretty odd. Like anxious and upset, a bit lonely. I ate my lunch in a binge-like manner, but wouldn't call it a true binge for two reasons: 1) the total amount was large, but not in binge proportions, and 2) although I was eating from containers in front of the pantry/fridge, I wasn't eating with the desperation of a binge and didn't finish entire containers of anything.

This was a near slip-up, but now I am going to do some journaling, have a shower and put myself together, and eat a nice healthy salad for dinner later.

And definitely put on my Simon & Garfinkel.

Wish me luck!

xKimX

Feelin' Groovy

2008-11-07T15:50:00.004-06:00

SOO...

It's Friday (as in the day after what is usually shit-tastic Thursday) and I am miraculously doing GREAT! Perhaps it's the forced week of being sober/clean, maybe it's the fact that I'm actually sleeping (seriously like 9p to 8a), maybe I just needed to be home and get some love from my crew (3 sibs, 3 dogs). Whatever it is, I am Mmm Mmm LOVIN' it.

I've also discovered a miraculously simple trick: I pretty much lose all binge craving when I play Steely Dan or Simon & Garfunkel. Who knew? So those bad boys have been keeping me hardcore company while I fill out my *11* grad school applications and try and keep up with my college work while the kids are at school.

After a slow start, not a bad week.

Oh, and weird: I'm strangely not missing J. I haven't known him that long (5 weeks?), but after my tormenting long distance relationship of last year I was expecting some serious emptiness. Not sure what to make of it... I'm entirely enamoured with the man, but not agonizing. Cool, I guess.

Maybe I'm just less dependent then I used to be? That sounds good, I'll go with it.

Keeping It Together

2008-11-06T15:34:00.003-06:00

So I have been at my parents house since Saturday, but let me remind you, my parents are out of town and the wee ones (well, they're 12 and 16) are in school and play practice until 6 each day. That leaves me alone in a house full of food for about 10 hrs. Sunday, when everyone was home, went well. Monday and Tuesday I binged badly and was incredibly depressed. Wednesday I binged in the morning and (EEK!) self-destructively decided to weigh myself. Then I had sort of a moment. I realized I couldn't go on like this, I had to be in control. I went to the gym and worked off what I had eaten (it took 3 hrs., so my T would call it a "purge") and felt much better. The rest of yesterday and all day today I have been feeling really together. I have not even wanted to binge really (because I am way too tired and sor to go work it off!), and I feel way saner than expected.
I am not sure if this would count as ED behavior, but whatever it is it feels TONS better than earlier this week (when I was throwing temper tantrums to my empty house and the dogs licked me because I sounded injured), and I'm going to roll with it for a while. If I continue to eat normally most of the time, I won't be compelled to overexercise too often, and it might just work out well.

In other news, I am missing J but not in the obsessive way I did with my ex... I want to think this is healthy? Hard to say, I don't think I have any previous experience with "healthy" relationships to compare it to. Oh, and I had lunch with a friend today, had a really fun time and didn't even eat super fast or finish my food once I was full. Victory!

Therapist=Creep

2008-11-03T07:30:00.002-06:00

So, the story with the T...
I had been seeing Dr. R for about 8 months, and he had helped me through some stressful situations. The last three weeks or so, his behavior had seemed odd, but I worte it off to some sort of psych method. He had not spent nearly the usual amount of time on ED-related stuff, and had suggested that I stop seeing my new boyfriend because I "needed some time to focus on myself". I didn't think that was entirely illogical, except that since I have been with him my binge frequency has gone WAY down. Also, Dr. R had started asking me rather explicit details about my sexual history, which I felt rather uncomfortable sharing (Did you orgasm the first time you had intercourse? When did you start masturbating?), but once again I figured it might somehow be relevant (oh, naive little me).

SO, about a week and a half ago now, I am sitting in his office and I start talking about how I miss my family, but don't really want to go home. He stands up and walks behind the chair I am sitting in, and places his hands on my shoulders. "Perhaps what you really miss then, is just the love and affection they provide. Do you miss having someone to hug you when you need it?"

"Well, I am pretty close with my room mates, and I do have my boyfriend, but maybe I miss it like from my parents."

...starts massaging my shoulders...

"I think you miss having the approval of and physical connection with an older adult."

...hands move into my hair...

This is where I freak out. Why not sooner you ask? I couldn't tell you. I grab my coat and bag and I book, stat. I felt mega icky. So I went home, and I binged and I cried and then I called the horrid counceling center to make an appointment for a consultation so I could check out possible new FEMALE therapists.

Gah. Not making this whole "recovery" thing any easier.

Playin' Mom For The Week

2008-11-02T21:37:00.004-06:00

So I am at my parent's house for the week watching some of the sibs while good old M and D party it up in Jamaica. My grandparents (think Everybody Loves Raymond) live right down the street and make life... interesting. My bro's 16 and appropriately depressed. My Mom's note said that he "can't play video games, watch TV, go out with friends or lock his door". Yikes. I'll totally enforce that... not. I'm afraid to ask what he did. My sister's 12 and pretty cool as they go. So far no major upsets. We've also got 3 dogs, an old lab and 2 little beagles. The puppies woke me up with a HUGE mess, the gory details of which I'll spare you, suffice it to say I am convinced I don't want my own pet.

Usually as soon as I hit the 'rents house, Ed goes out of control. This time though, not so far. I had a pretty weird strategy... I did some "preemptive" bingeing. See, usually when I first get here I am starving because I try and use the drive as a good long period not to eat. Then I am bombarded with deliciousness, and start bingeing and don't quit until I leave. Since I have to be here a whole WEEK, however, I knew that couldn't happen, I would go nuts. So, before I left and while I was packing, I freakin' stuffed myself. I still didn't really feel like eating when I got here, but I had a normal sized dinner and late night snack. I also was REALLY tired from Halloween the night before (I went as Sarah Palin, which I know is unorginal, but I've got the voice down and I must say I was hilarious), so I hit the sack mega early (8pm?).I woke up today and felt pretty good, I ate healthfully all day and worked out and bought healthy food, and I'm totally excited to use this week to be healthy and productive and rejuve before I go back to school to rock out the next couple weeks before Thanksgiving.

In other news, I am in the process of finding a new shrink cause my old one hit on me. Awesome. Details to come, I assure you.

Oh, and J is gonna come up state and visit me! Yay!

I Hate My Body

2008-11-01T12:00:00.004-05:00

I hate the way I look. I hate how I spill over the tops of my pants. I hate how my stomach sticks out farther then my chest. I hate how I have let my gorgeous body become this bloated jiggling mess. I can't stop crying, my physical form is like this taunting leering reminder that I am not able to control myself and am sloppy and ugly. None of my clothes fit, I am officially ten pounds overweight, I have gained 35 pounds this year. I can tell J isn't that into by body because of the way he looks at me when we have sex. I feel like I am so inadequate, and since I keep getting fatter I feel like he'll think he was somehow conned. Like he started dating this decent looking girl and then she turned into this fat slob. I feel so desperate right now.

Victory Is Mine (Sort Of)

2008-10-24T10:00:00.002-05:00

So I made it through Thursday without bingeing!!! I don't think that has happened since probably May. On the down side, I failed to go to class, skipped a meeting and spent the night at a concert drunk, stoned and rolling... Hey, we can only fix one problem at a time here. Right now, I am celebrating what feels like a HUGE victory.

Today I have my first appointment at the Counceling Center where I get to meet with an Eating Disorder Specialist and have an "evaluation". I am not sure what this entails, but for some reason I envision the result being me crying...

So today, to avoid bingeing, here is my plan:

Shower and dress so I feel decently attractive, actually go to class and to this appointment... then what? I feel like the afternoon is so vulnerable. Right after lunch and right after dinner are when I am most "at risk of exhibiting symptoms". Well, after dinner I am going to a girlfriend's place and staying the night, because my room mates will not be home and I can NOT be left alone. But what about this afternoon... I will have to just leave the apartment and go work at a coffee house, I need to "remove myself".

I am so freakin' proud right now, I did it!!! I felt for so long like I had platteaued (sp?) at this place where I was just going to be sick and self-loathing Thursday through Saturday, but yesterday I did not binge, and after a slow morning I had a fantastic eve.

Can't stop me now!

One Day at a Time

2008-10-23T09:32:00.004-05:00

So Thursday is the point at which I usually break down. I am taking this one day at a time and am determined to make it through today without bingeing. Sunday through Wednesday are always fine, and then somehow shit hits the fan. I have a lack of structured time, I find myself alone in the apartment, I am forced to be alone with my own thoughts.I have bought some new self-help books (how lame am I? I love going up to the Barnes & Noble counter with those babys...) about overcoming binge eating, and I have been journaling a LOT to try and stay centered.

I've been reading this one book a little everyday, including this morning, to try and stay on track. I met with my nurtitionist on Tuesday, and she for the first time seemed really genuinely frusterated with me. I was pretty unhappy about this, it was a stressful appointment. She had always been very relaxed and said I was doing better than I thought I was. Not this week.

Anyway, she said what I had to do was structure my time, as in write a schedule for my weekend so that I didn't find myself aimless and eating. I made little sheets that say what I ought tobe doing hour-by-hour, and put stars by the times that I predict will be particularly vulnerable.

For starters: Now I am to go to the gym, shower and dress (preppy today so I feel motivated to get some work done), and then go to class. Then I need to come home, eat lunch, and then be at the library or the lab from lunch to dinner. Will update.

Wish me luck!!!

Love Your Body Campaign

2008-10-18T19:24:00.003-05:00

Your body is beautiful,regardless of weight age, gender, ability or race. Your body is a reflection of the family from which you come and of every experience you have had from birth to present. Your body is the astonishing vessel that allows you to move through this world, express yourself and connect with others. Your body, regardless of its size, i beautiful and deserving of your love and acceptance.

In order to start loving my own body and help others to learn the beauty of theirs, I am doing what I can to forward the "Love Your Body Campaign". The above quote was written on a flier that I passed out to 200 women on the street last Monday, and I intend to the same again this week. I have also posted these fliers at gyms, yoga studios, in clothing store fitting rooms, public restrooms and college classrooms. The reactions have been incredible: appreciation, understanding, smiles, even one women who turned around after walking down the street reading it and came back and gave me a hug.

I want to look into going further with this, and am working on setting up an informal discussion after my yoga class. I am also trying to get some girls I know from the ED treatment center to get in on this with me, but the response thus far has been poor. This is a very new endeavor, and I am not entirely sure how to go about it. I would HIGHLY appreciate ANY input anyone had about how tot ake this to the next level.

Love yourselves!

so far down

2008-10-18T18:41:00.000-05:00

no longer thin
not starved and strong
i have lost all control

drowning in my past
in drugs and death and pressure

eating while it eats away
consuming so I might not be consumed
devouring as I am devoured

with each disgusting bite
rage, desolation and anxiety
give way to a restful, nauseous dead-zone
i am finally out of my head

but the reprieve is short

bursting with anguish
distended with grief
stuffed yet ever starving

each time farther from home
lonelier, sicker, sadder
and with ever diminishing hope

Brighter Day

2008-10-15T22:23:00.003-05:00

I'm definitely back on the up again. I have been productive this week, eaten properly as per my nutritionist's recommendations, follwed my exercise councelor's fitness plan, and I feel really good. On Sunday J took me to a park I'd never been to with all sorts of artwork and woods and gardens we could walk all through, and we had a really great talk. I felt really connected with him and with everything else. We have both been through a lot recently, and have been really open with one another about our selves and our lives. After the park we went to an organic food store and made a healthy meal together, and we stayed up talking until sunrise. What was really fantastic was when I was telling him about my ED. I kept apologizing for dumping so much onto him, and he looked at me and he said, "I want to be with you, and I want all of you." Awesome.

All My Shit:

2008-10-13T20:42:00.002-05:00

Today I have been pretty healthy, and I am blogging right now to avoid the binge urge that is sneaking up on me. The reason I use the moniker that I do is that I think of the cravings as a dragon, like something outside of myself or within myself that can consume me (and anything else in it's path). I am also born the year of the dragon, and dragons have alot of meaning in the world of addiction so it seemed appropriate. The "daft" is the bipolar thing...

ANYWAY

I have had quite a year, and Thursday another young death rocked my world again.

Year in review (events leading to current ED state):

January, February- ED, coke habit at their worst. 30 lbs underweight, no periods, teeth rotting out of my head, nose bleeds, depression because I am in love with my boyfriend who doesn't love me, zero sleep.

April- Find out the ass hole boy friend is in Europe with some other chick. Clearly we break up (my birthday). 3 days later, find out I'm pregnant, 10 days after that I miscarry. Anorexia shifts to what has been termed "exercise bulimia".

May- 2 friends from high school die, both drug related. E was was 20, M was 23. One friend is very close, he was in a car accident after popping a bunch of oxy.

June, July- Begin trying actively to recover from ED. Nutritionist, exercise councelor, gyno and dentist appointments, seeing a shrink, sleep councelor, self-help books... I really want fucking out. Some improvement, ups and downs with ED. Out of control whoreishness on my part (the Brittish guy, the ex-priest meth head maniac dude, the dairy farmer with the bod, a couple exes...).

August- Really good friend, D, dies of meth overdose. ED enters straight up bulimia phase for first time ever. Gain alot of weight (almost at "normal").

September- Things start going better. Still alot of binge eating, but exercise habits under control.

October- Meet the new guy, totally out of the depression. Still some overeating, but no purging UNTIL the events of Thursday.

Last week I find out another friend of mine, A, has fallen to meth OD. I knew she was heading that way, and when I saw her at D's funeral I said goodbye knowing it was for real, but as much as you try and prepare yourself, you can't be ready. I wasn't shocked when I heard, but still devastated. I was bingeing, running and barfing my head off for like 3 days, haven't been that bad in months. Today and yesterday I have eaten slightly less than I should and exercised slightly more (according to the "professional recommendations"), but am doing better.

Honestly, I think the fact that it was only like 3 days of ED stuff means I am gettin better. I envision the "recovery" process as ups and downs, and over time the ups become more and more frequent.

Rest in peace, A.

I Hate Being Bulimic

2008-10-11T19:04:00.002-05:00

Today was even worse than yesterday... I have hit a new low. I want to escape everyone I know and not speak to them any more. I hate being judged so fucking harshly all the time. Last night I "went skiing" so I was low this morning. I was bingeing all day and I decided I was going to exercise purge, which I hadn't actually done since June. I additionally actually successfully made myself throw up, only the third or fourth time I have actually done that. I really don't want to go this route, I have a plan for the next few days where I can make up the rest of the binge calories from this weekend. I just have lost my "skinny cushion" and crossed over too the point where I actually am heavier than I ought to be. I need to get to my healthy weight in a healthy way, and I need to find support. I hate the way I feel right now, I just want to sleep, but instead I am going out to get wasted. Again.

Binge: I am A Fucking Liar

2008-10-10T17:58:00.004-05:00

Binge. Cookies, brownies, ice cream, chocolate, peanut butter, cereal, milk, brown sugar out of the jar, hot chocolate mix, totilla chips, pita chips, hummus... God I am so gross. And now I get to tell my nutritionist what I have done. Awesome.
I am alone in my apartment, and am nervous about the weekend. No, nothing bad is happening, I am just generally unable to handle every day life. I asked my new guy to just hang out and relax with me tonight, but now I'm worried I will bore him, and I think he thinks I meant my place but I can't do that now because apparently we are hosting wine night for some people in my room mate's sorority. My favorite. My room mate's boyfriend is in town and they like to mess around with the bedroom door open so I am annoyed. Some friends of mine are coming down from Chicago, but I honestly don't feel like going out and getting fucked up with them. (I am currently ignoring a phone call). Tomorrow there are plans for early drinking and football tailgating, and my room mate wants me to go with her and her man (drag), my guy wants me to go meet his parents (eek! so not ready), and I want to get outside and run and not stop until I hit Memphis. I would burn off all these gross calories and not have to see anyone.

I feel so fucking fat and disgusting.

Oh, and I had a pseudo-revelation today: I think I know why I am such a compulsive fucking liar. When I make things up it is so people will think there is some legitimate reason for me feeling the way I feel, when in fact I have no fucking clue what triggers my massive mood swings. Example: I feel depressed, angry and utterly disconnected. I tell someone that someone I know OD'd last night, and I am worried. Sometimes it has been true when I have said this, sometimes it has not. But the feeling I want someone to empathize with is the same. So fucked up, I hate the way I use and manipulate people. I hate the negative impact my existence has on that of others. I want to drown my own feelings rather than make up reasons for them.

Maybe its another piece of the ED puzzle, maybe I'm just a sadist who enjoys spreading hurt and dishonesty. Who knows, not I.

Ski Trips and Hippie Flips: Why I Love Drugs

2008-10-10T16:07:00.005-05:00

Warning: Post is poorly structured and tainted by mind meanerings induced by the title subject.

Is it drug abuse or mind expansion? In addition to some indulgence of late in a little blow, I have also been revisiting my teenage love of hallucinogens. The combination of cocaine and LSD puts me in a really fantastic place: I understand how inconsequential my physical body is in relation the grander scheme of my existence, I approach old problems with new perspective, and when I come down to my Earthly body once again, I am motivated, I am loving and I am greatful to exist. Where is the harm here?

When I was younger, my Mom (a skier herself, if you will), would periodically look at my siblings and I and say, in jest, "Hey, Kid! Get off the drugs!" When we would deny the accusation, her response was invariably, "Then why so down? Maybe you should get on some." This always came with a laugh, but the interchange has developed new levels of meaning as I have come to understand her more fully.

Drugs have always interested me intensely. The ways in which human consciousness is altered is unfathomable and enthralling. I work in a psychopharmacology laboratory, where I have learned a great deal about cocaine, LSD and also methamphetamine (and also have gotten to perform some wicked cool experiments on some unsuspecting rodents...), but better than what I have learned in class or in the lab is what I have learned from my, uh, personal field research. I have learned who I am, what I am doing, what I value most in life.

Yes, I am aware, there is a very consequential downside to drug use. I have seen far more death than I someone my age should have, and this is entirely due to overdoses. HOWEVER, generalization to all drugs of the risks of one or two drugs is inappropriate. Heroin kills, methamphetamine kills. But I challenge any of you to give me an instance of someone dying from mushrooms or even LSD.

Alright, time to go watch the cartoons playing on my ceiling.

It is my body, right?

2008-10-09T21:01:00.004-05:00

ED got really out of control last week. I was bingeing constantly, and I felt so freed by the fact that I didn't have to write it down that I took that as permission to do whatever I wanted. Also, because I have been a bit happier lately I have not had the immense feelings of disgust and self-loathing that usually accompany a binge, and thus have been less motivated to avoid it. After a few days of watching myself grow fatter, however, the usual ED feelings returned. By then I had reached the "fuck it" point, and was less than driven to stop on my own.
I went to the nutritionist on Tuesday and I am back to having to write everything down. I am glad to say that even after a solid week or so of bingeing , I didn't gain as much as I'd thought (about 2 lbs.) I am happy to have the accountability back.
One thing I tend to do when I don't want to have to tell her what I ate is I chew and spit. Without swallowing it is not eating, and spitting is not purging, so I feel like this is a good way around things. My room mates have carrot cake, butterscotch cookies and donuts on the counter "for whoever wants them". And these items have been the victims of my strange mastication ritual. Seriously, who tells a bulimic she can have all the baked goods she wants, and then leaves her alone in the apartment? Are they trying to sabotage me? I really don't need their help, I've got that covered on my own.
I hate how much I care about my body, how much I try to perfect and ruin it in order to somehow win or protect myself. If I am thin I am superior, if I am fat I am safe. I wish we existed as entities of disembodied consciousness and could just love and connect without the terror, judgement, vanity and disgust entailed in an embodied existence.

In other news, things with JBM are going pretty well. I did sleep with him, surprise surprise, and something quite odd happened:
Usually I remember sex in montage form, like I can only recall select blurbs and images, because I slip into this alterna state that feels like something outside myself. My shrink says I do this because I "have not dealt with past sexual trauma". I don't know if he is right, but it never really bothered me, it just helped make things easy to separate (sex and intimacy). With JBM, right as I was about to check out, he looked me in the eye as if to say, "stay here with me". It was so strange, I was so present. I remember it completely. It felt almost awkward to me to look at him later and remember what had gone on between us. Very vulnerable, I am not sure how I feel about this. Another instance in which life without a body might be simpler, (though possibly less pleasurable. )

Straight. Up. Terrified.

2008-10-02T10:59:00.003-05:00

So things are moving pretty fast with new guy (we'll call him JBM)... he knows so many things I usually refuse to tell people, and he is already talking about me meeting his parents. I am excited but scared shitless. He is so incredibly smart and open and he seems to really like me. I am still so afraid to fall again, but don't think I can help it.
Last night, drama: We were at a bar watching the Cubs games with some friends, when who shows up but my ex? It is true: the man who told me, at 107 lbs., that I should lose five more and look like Keira Knightley, the man who took me all over the world but never loved me, the man who on my birthday this year was in Spain with some other woman, the man whose child I miscarried (after we broke up, he never knew it happened), the man who really hurt me for the first time in my life. He shows up. We'll call him DSS.
JBM and I were on the back terrace having a smoke, when I hear DSS on his phone just outside. I turn, and sure enough, there he is. I had told JBM about him and what I had gone through (hey, he asked!), and when I told him who I had seen he looked at me very seriously. He said, "I will do whatever you want me to do; I want you to be OK." He rubbed my arms and shoulders a bit and we went inside again to his friends. He kept me close to him and I felt so much better. DSS had come in the bar, was still on his phone, and walked past us several times. I felt OK though, miraculously. I said I was sorry, and JBM looked at me like I was crazy. "You have nothing to be sorry about, I just want to make sure your OK." And strangely enough, I was. This guy is really cares about me, he makes me feel safe.
I haven't slept with him yet, and I am really afraid to. I don't intend to for quite a while. I usually can separate sex and intimacy pretty readily, or at least I can have sex with people I don't care about without really feeling anything. But this is totally different... haven't ever actually been afraid of what I would feel before. Exciting and terrifying.
In terms of ED I am still not doing great. I am typing with one hand so I can pound chips and ice cream while I write this. One day at a time.

A New Chapter?

2008-10-01T14:29:00.005-05:00

I went out with the new guy on Monday and I had a really fabulous time- really great conversation. He has a lot of ideas and experiences and such, but more important than that he is really open and straightforward. He seems to be very in to me, but I am trying to be a little reserved. I want to learn from my last mistake and not invest myself in something before I know what exactly that something is. Holding back isn't my strong suit though, I am pretty all or nothing. I will likely see him again tonight or tomorrow and I am really looking forward to it despite myself.
Funny, it seems as soon as I swear off men I find one. A couple of weeks ago I found myself realizing that a new realationship is just a "ghost solution" I had put in my head- something that seems like the cure-all for life's downs. I have lived long enough to know that landing that guy, getting to that weight, getting that scholarship/job/award etc.- these things won't fix it all. There will still be ups and downs, good days and bad days. So I told myself to stop looking for a guy, because he wouldn't dso me any good anyway. The saga continues.

In terms of ED progress, I have been very healthful today, but other than today the bingeing has been as bad or worse as it was a couple of weeks ago. I am not performing my exercise purges any longer, however. My body seems to have leveled off and I am not really gaining weight any more. I am exercising regularly and sleeping somewhat regularly. I think this may be as good as it gets for me for a while.
One major difference: although the behavior hasn't changed, my emotions surrounding it have. I am not lonely or depressed very frequently before hand (usually just bored or tense), and I am no disgusted and depressed and self-loathing after. I am just going through the motions with minimal emotional response. This is a HUGE improvement, it is nice not to hate myself.
I took a quiz online that tells whether you have ED. In July I scored 89 (75 guarentees ED), and yesterday I only scored 38. I am making tremendous progress.

A Fresh Start

2008-09-28T10:22:00.002-05:00

Something about Sunday always makes me feel as though I have a chance to start over, a new week with another chance to be the person I want to be. I binged horribly all weekend (again), but I don't have the same emotional response to it as I used to. I don't feel the anguish or tremendous guilt, just confuision at my actions. Anyway, I have decided that I can't wait to lose the extra weight. I do not want to be super skinny like I was before, but I do want to be at my doctor-recommended "ideal weight". That means losing about 9-10 lbs. I will do so slowly and without extra exercise. I am planning to cut about 100 calories from each of the 6 meals I am supposed to eat daily, dropping my total from 1800 to as low as 1200. This is not a starvation diet, and it leaves alot of room. Now, even if I overeat, I wil be maintaining, not gaining.

In other news, I think I may have met a guy that could turn out to be worth while. Thursday night we met at a bar listening to a band, turns out they were friends of his. He is a bit older, 25, and I really felt comfortable with him. He is free thinking and a little edgey, and spent the last 3 yrs. dicking around in CA, which is cool. He texted me Friday afternoon, "Stoked to have met u last night. I had a really great time. I want to take you out to dinner soon..." I haven't heard from him yet since then (I was hoping to maybe on Saturday, but alas, I just binged in anticipation. Just as well, I certainly wouldn't have wanted dinner anyway.) He sent that the next day though when he had had time to sober up and think aboutthings, so I still think he will probably call at some point. Oh dating, good times. Also in Kim's love life: The dairy farmer guy with the perfect body still calls me on occaission, but I for some reason lack drive for meaningless sex (gasp!).

I am still determined to have a binge free weekend. It hasn't happened yet, but it will. I just need to remember that I cannot deviate even a little from my plan on weekends. Perhaps next week.

Seeking Health Slowly

2008-09-24T18:48:00.005-05:00

So I realized looking through my blogs and journals that I am more likely to binge when I don't work out. I am trying to stick to the exercise regimen my fitness councelor prescibed to me, which means limiting myself to four days per week. I have decided that I should have other planned activities that make me feel healthy on days that I do not work out. Wednesdays (today) I decided I would do a thirty mintue guided meditation from a CD along with 20 minutes of independent yoga. I just completed that, and I actually feel really good. On Friday, my next day off at the gym, I have planned some at-home spa time: I am going to take a bath in the jet tub with some candles and bath salts, maybe do my nails, toes or eyebrows, actually shave and moisturize for once... This sort of self-care always makes me feel well, but usually I am too lazy to do it, get bored or lonely on Friday afternoon and end up bingeing and feeling to fat and disgusting to go out. Perhaps if it is on a list I will actually follow through. I really am recovering, slowly but surely. I have limited bingeing to once or twice per week, but more importantly I have learned to use binges as learning experiences to further minimize symptoms in the future.

Heroin Sheek

2008-09-23T16:09:00.003-05:00

AHH!!! I CAN"T STOP!!! I slept last night, I worked out this morning, I even went to a friend's place last night to put myself in a situation where I wouldn't eat. I handled it. But today again all I want to do is stuff myself silly.

My cousing is currently dealing with a heroin addiction, and I think about her alot. Last night there was this show on TV called Intervention, which follows addicts around and then their loved ones intervene and put them in treatment. My cousin was clean 30 days, relapsed, and isn't allowed back in treatment. The TV showed this girl put the needle in the vein on the back of her hand, get that glassy eyed look, and vomit extremely violently into a bucket. I have never been around heroin nor seen the act, so this really shook me. I started thinking of my beautiful cousin and all I wanted to do was cry and cry and be sick myself. I got up and left and went to my friend Liz's. She listened and gave me coffee and I felt a little better, but I still can't shake the image.

My cousin and I have always been about the same size, and we both got extremely thin last winter. I figured she was ED like me. Guess not.

It's odd how someone with bulimia would be so appalled by vomit, but something about the normalcy of the girl and the violence of the drug I just can't cope wit.
I texted my cousin to see how she was and didn't get a reply until this morning. She said that she was so depressed yesterday texting seemed like too much work. I have lost several friends to drug related deaths this year (3 to be exact, all under 25), and it has been hard. But family? Shit I can't handle this.

Thyroid, Bipolar, ED

2008-09-23T15:45:00.002-05:00

Really exciting news: Next semester there is going to be an official neuroendocrinology seminar class at my University! This is exactly the field I want to go in to, so I am giddy and delighted.

The more I read and the more people's stories I hear, the more I realize that irregular mood disorders (such as bipolar I and II, cyclothymia, and ultra-radian cycling) are very closely connected with behavioral disorders (especially eating disorders). This is not news. The part that is news is this: Thyroid hormones in the brain interact extensively with chemicals that regulate mood, and thyroid irregularities are very common in both people with irregular mood.
From what I can discern, the there are two important factors in regulating these hormone and subsequently overcoming the behavioral disorders:

First is keeping an extremely regular lifestyle. This means keeping the same workout routine each week (or even better each day), sleeping the same hours every night, eating the same type and quantity of balanced food each day, and proactively working to keep stress at bay.

The second is with medication. I highly advocate that all people suffering ED's get their thyroid checked. Thyroid hormones, specifically T3, seem to be really important to mood regulation, hunger cues and mood. Natural replacements such as Armour or T3 replacements such as Cytomel are good thoughts.

This is just a shot based on what has worked for me and a few other stories I have heard. I have no idea how many people with ED would actually benefit from this, but it seems to be a common denomenator of several cases.

Monday

2008-09-22T17:59:00.002-05:00

I binged really badly all last night until bed. I took laxatives, but I still feel very bloated. I have eaten pretty healthfully again today, worked and I went grocery shopping so I have better choices in the apartment. Today has been pretty good, got my final reccomender to agree to write me a letter for grad school. Also, she is teaching a class next semester in neuroendocrinology which is very, very exciting for me as that is exactly what I want to go into.
My Mom and my shrink both seem to think I have abandonment issues because my Dad was never home when I was growing up. I don't really know what to do to fix this, but I'll give it some consideration since I am being told the same by more than one person. Also, I need to investigate why the bingeing gets so bad on weekends... lonelyness, lack of structured time, not as much healthy food in the house, less sleep, not working out... should work on all of these.
Anyway, I am in the lab and need to go get my little meth-addicted rats out of the operant chambers.

Gross Now But Perfect Eventually

2008-09-21T15:19:00.002-05:00

My stomach is hugely fat today, I feel so gross. I was doing so well for a while, now I am feeling like shit again. I have definitely eaten far more than I should today, won't eat any more. I will go back to the plan my nutritionist set out for me tomorrow. I hate the way I have progressed through the ED's from a perfect skinny Ana (low weight 109 lbs. and I am 5'8"!!!), to a struggling "exercise bulimic" (fluctuated with a center at about 127 for a while) to a fat fat disgusting binge eater who is not purging but still eating. I got rid of my scale, but I am certain I must be 150 lbs. by now. I just want to curl up and cry. I can't even look at myself naked. I have a fold under my stomach almost when I sit down, it is so hideous.

I do not have spirations to be model thin anymore, but I do want to be my ideal weight, which is 135-140 lbs. according to my nutritionist. I am going to spend the rest of this year attempting to fully overcome my ED (no bingeing, no purging, no eating anything not on a plate, and between 1600-2000 calories every day). My goal is to be entirely symptom free for october, so that by the time the holidays come around I will be in control enough to avoid further gain. Then, starting in January, I will slowly and healthfully bring my weight down to my ideal range before Spring Break. For the remainder of the school year, I will continue to work with the nutritionist to maintain my ideal weight so that when I graduate and go off into the world I will be at my ideal weight, ED-free, and full equipped to stay that way.

Chili, Anyone?

2008-09-21T08:56:00.002-05:00

Last night I went to a White Trash Bash with my room mate. On my way there a man walked out into the sidewalk in front of me and said the following: "Stangers, please help me restore my faith in humanity. All day I have worked, nay I have toiled, away in a hot kitchen to create the world's most amazing chilli. Now as I stand here on this sidewalk attempting to spread this joy to the world, I find very few who will partake. Please indulge me and taste my chilli." I liked what seemed to be the underlying message of his overture, so after seeing him take a bite I did so as well. It truly was delicious, but then of course my breath smelled like chilli. The party was fairly boring, but fun to dress up for. At one point I jumped of a second story balcony to chase a ping pong ball we needed to finish our beer pong game. Now my foot and ankle hurt very badly. I left the party early, dissappointed to have found so many girls and so few men. What can I say, I like male attention. On my way home I decided to go one block out of my way to see if the Chilli Guy and his friends were still in their same locale. Sure enough, there he remained on his stoop. I went and sat next to him, he apparently remembered me. A few of his friends came out. Over the next several hours I had the best conversation I had had in months. Amusing annecdotes, literature discussions, well-informed philosophic interchanges, and alot of big laughs. I was amazed to find people who spoke like this; they are so rare and so exciting. They were actually quite surprised by my ability to keep up, which I appreciated. The night did not turn out at all as I had expected, much better I must say.
This morning my foot is killing me. I had what could have turned into a full-on binge this morning, but I curbed the behavior in time. I ate a large bowl of cereal, half a bag of chips (the healthier kind, 400 calories in half the bag), and a fat-free latte bar. These things total about 900 calories, so I think if I just pace myself properly the rest of today I shouldn't have a problem staying within the guideline set forth by my nutritionist. Right now, however, I feel rather fat and disgusting. Ugh.
Today I have to complete a statistics assignment that I know will take me about six hours. I also have to go to the grocery and clean the bathrooms. It is a day off from the gym (thank god, my foot couldn't handle it!), so it seems this will be doable.
I am so greatful for the chance interactions such as that occurring last night that allow people to reach out and connect with those they have never met. These three quirky guys, who I hope I run into again but do not know for sure, really gave me hope that thinking, real people are all around me and that there are so many I can connect with in this world. Yay!

I have sweet ass purple hair.

2008-09-20T19:42:00.003-05:00

I cut, dye and style myself. It only takes 6 minutes to do in the morning. Its totally unique and I love it. However I was informed today that I would need to "grow it out, comb it down and dye it back" before grad school interviews. I am torn... on the one hand I wanna say fuck you, why does that matter, I like who I am. On the other hand, I don't wanna miss out on the future I have worked so hard for because I refuse to play the game. Amazing.

ED Is A Most Intense Addiction

2008-09-20T11:05:00.004-05:00

Today marks 4 months since I have indulged in the nose candy... honestly don't even really miss it, just miss how thin it kept me. To the left you will find a picture of me at my most coked out... probably February. And to think I didn't think anyone could tell... Sleeping at night has been nice though. So weird how I can handle one addiction and not another. I have used coke on and off since I was 14, and from December of last year to May of this year I used at least a little (and sometimes a shit ton) every day. I went to my parents house for a month to recover, quit cold turkey, and haven't done a line in the three months I've been back in my own apartment either. Also with cigarettes... I have smoked since 13, but have no problem limiting myself to one square a day. If for some reason I have more than one one day, I have none the next day with relatively little difficulty. Then there is the ED stuff... I have been struggling with that intensely and cannot seem to get the thoughts out of my mind even though the behavior is somewhat contained right now. The addictive thought patterns remain more than with any other drug I've used (booze, pot, cigarettes, coke, speed, LSD, shrooms, xtc, even crank a couple of times...), and I can't seem to shake them.

Balance

2008-09-19T20:18:00.003-05:00

It has been five days since I last binged and two weeks since I last binged at my apartment. I make this distinction because I visited my parent's house last week, and the ED recovery was in disaster mode. For now, however, I feel very healthy.
I think that my ED goes in rhythm with my bipolar. I am not sure whether moods trigger binges or vice versa, but for now I feel more stable than I have in months and my bulimia is in much, much better shape. Also, I have been taking my thyroid hormone supplement and birth control pills routinely at the same time each day. With the help of a sleep councelor, I have even started to win the battle against insomnia ( a perpetual demon of manic depression). I have been taking time for myself daily and being sure to properly nurture friendships. I feel more whole than I have in over a year.
I am currently applying to graduate school with the hope of pursuing a PhD in neuroscience. I want to study neuroendocrinology and learn about why and how my hormone imbalance (thyroid deficiency), bipolar disorder, and sleep problems relate. I think these are very interconnected issues, and there is a small group of nationally renowned scientists that has started to investigate this issue.
I have a good balance right now between the different areas of my life. Although I will probably not be able to maintain my 4.0 this semester, I think I will be a much healthier, happier person for making time for other areas of my life, such as health, self-love and relationships.
Another revelation of the obvious: driving myself into the ground with my work is not the best way to live my life. I am so glad I am figuring this out at 20 rather than 50.
As for now, I am getting ready to go out for the night. I am still dating (a little) but not on the verge of anything serious. Although I often feel lonely and very much want a relationship, I am realizing that the love I need right now is actually from my family. I had a bit of a breakthrough with my psychologist the other day when he asked me why the bingeing is so bad at home. I realized I am not lonely because I am single. I am lonely because I do not articulate my need for nurturing well enough to my parents. I need to work on this
For now, the night is young, so am I, and there is fun to be had.

Binge

2008-09-05T21:02:00.003-05:00

So I am trying to use this blog in my recovery, and I feel like reporting on my binges may be useful. Today I ate normally all day, went to class, did some homework, some creative writing, took a nap... I was getting ready to go to the gym when I realized the apartment was empty. I went to the pantry and had a single handful of my romm mate's granola. And then another. And another. Then I ate some of her chips, several spoonfuls of peanut butter, a slice of cheese, cereal, butter out of the tub with spoonfuls of brown sugar, grapes, honey, hummus, chocolate, crackers, Teddy grahams, sunflower seeds, a cookie, jelly, coke... I may have even forgotten some things. In my head I was keeping track and I think I ate about 1700 calories. Several times I stopped and left the room, but I kept going back to the kitchen. It lasted about an hour and a half. Afterwards I went downstairs to go to the gym, but apparently it closes at 7pm on Fridays. I also tried to make myself throw up, but I couldn't do it. I have tried a few times, but I have never been able to. Probably for the best. Then I showered and dressed. I am having a hard time feeling pretty. I look in the mirror and I actually look pretty good, but I have gained 30 pounds this year ( I am 5'8" and have gone from 117 to 147) and it hard to feel anything but fat with that kind of an increase. I texted some friends and made plans to go out, and then I called my Mom and told her about the binge (though I always avoid using the word) and cried for a while. I feel confused, frusterated, sad, angry. The bulimic recovery books say "fat" and "disgusting" are not feelings, but I think I feel them now.
I don't know what triggered me. I was in a good mood, I had been productive during the day, I wasn't overly hungry, I had had some interaction with other people, I had plans for the evening. Can't leave me alone for a second. I am trying to put it behind me and move on.

Creative Writing: Tuesday Part II

2008-09-05T16:20:00.003-05:00

I just finished this piece and it is not entirely polished yet but I feel very good about it. This is the final third.

They have moved the coffee table out from in front of the couch and lain down a rough looking green Afghan. Amy and I sit close to one another on one end of the couch, my legs crossed and her with her knees tucked up to her chest. She takes my hand and I put my arm around her shoulder. Mark is sitting on the other end of the couch, legs spread with one arm over the back. Sarah hand Amy and I glasses scotch and gives Mark a beer.

Jason walks in and smiles at Amy and I. He walks up behind Sarah and reaches around to her protruding hip bones; she tilts her head to invite his kiss on her neck. I think about my own body and how my bones are once again hidden beneath flesh, and how soon Dylan's will not be. He breathes gently into her ear and slides his hands up to her small elegant breasts; she arches her back. He drops to his knees and turns her toward him, unbuckles her jeans, slides them down to the floor. He puts his mouth against the front of her orange underwear and exhales slowly; she puts her fingers through his black hair.

As Sarah and Mark undress one another I can feel Amy's legs moving against me a bit as she rocks her hips slightly back and forth. I lift the hand I have on her shoulder and trace the outside of her ear with my fingertip. She smiles slightly but does not alter her gaze. Jason is lying naked on the ground, one arm behind his head and one knee up. Sarah has her head between his legs, her hair falling over his thigh. He looks calm, like he might be watching fish swim in a tank. I sip my scotch. The sounds of Amy's breathing, Sarah's mouth and the ice in my glass are strangely euphonic, a welcome contrast to a drill on my teeth or dirt on a coffin.

The grave is probably fully covered now. I wonder what sounds might make it through six feet of ground: Maybe a car crash or a scream. Maybe thunder. I wonder what it would feel like to be buried and hear thunder and wait for the rain water to seep down to my skin. I would not see it coming; I would forget the storm and be lost in my mind. The front of my body would then suddenly feel cool as the water reached me, interrupting my thoughts. I think about the time Dylan and I were lying on his roof looking at stars and the rain started and neither of us moved at all. The rain drops looked like gravel falling toward my face.

Jason is seated upright, his legs forming a diamond. Sarah has her legs wrapped around his back. There bodies are pressed tightly against one another and Jason has his arms under Sarah's armpits and his hands on her shoulders. They move rhythmically and maintain perfect expressionless eye contact. Amy has dropped one hand to her lap. Mark is looking out the window. I feel trapped as I realize I am bound from speaking. Sarah drags her nails down Jason's back. In two places droplets of blood emerge.

Sarah arches her back and puts her hands down on the floor behind her. She moves her hips quickly and moans. She still has her socks on. Jason puts his hands on her bony hips and thrusts three or four final times. He pulls her back in close to him and they take a few slow breaths together. Amy's cheeks are tear-streaked. Mark finishes of his beer and wipes his mouth with his sleeve. Jason gets up and leaves the room and Sarah wraps the green Afghan around herself. Scotch, sex and crying: Hemmingway really is the best writer ever.

I hear glass clinking in the kitchen and I assume more drugs are on the way. I untangle myself from Amy and get off the couch. In the kitchen I find Jason, still naked, setting the table. There is water in a pot on the range and a box of spaghetti on the counter. "I'm always starving after sex," he says through his cigarette. I smile; I thought that only happened to me. Amy and Sarah wander in from the living room, Sarah back in her orange panties and tee. Mark stays on the couch, still staring out the window. I glance at him and know unequivocally that he will be the next to go.

As the four of us eat spaghetti and pass around a bottle of cheap merlot I feel exhilarated and lucky. The most raw and beautiful day of my life is leaving me feeling stripped. I will never be more alive than I am right now.

Just This Side of Wild

2008-09-05T10:05:00.004-05:00

My shrink compared me yesterday to a thoroughbred race horse. He says with such a beast, you have to "keep it just this side of wild... tame it too much and it won't run as fast, but don't tame it enough you lose control." Keeping myself stable requires a very delicate balance to be maintained. Over the years, however, I have identified certain things that help with this.
1. Actually sleeping. He says to go ahead and take a sleep aid if I have not fellen asleep in 30 minutes.
2. Being social. I am much more vulnerable to bulimic behavior when I have spent alot of the day alone.
3. Eating healthfully. This means balanced meals that I eat when I want and don't plan ahead, obsess, record, etc.
Maintaining balance and control os achievable, but it requires some attention.

New Phase

2008-09-05T09:30:00.005-05:00

I have fallen into a pattern with my eating disorder recovery. I do well for about 3 days, then I stop journaling, don't sleep enough, start restricting or get stressed out. Essentially, I stop taking care of myself. Over the last week I have not kept a food diary. At first I was doing very poorly- I was still planning my meals out, restricting and stressing about how much I had eaten. This of course lead to overeating and more guilt. Yesterday, however, I did not plan my meals out in advance. I simply ate what sounded good when I wanted it. As a result, I think I actually consumed about the amount my nutritionist recommended. Wow, another revelation of the obvious. I'm excited and surprised that following hunger cues is actually something I may be capable of.
I felt for a while as though I had platteaued in my recovery, but I think this may be the start of the next phase. I will stop keeping a food diary but continue journaling about my recovery.
I did not think I was capable of following my body's signals, but now I know I am.

The painting here is one I did over the summer. Writing, painting and sculpting are all creative outlets I enjoy, and now that I am a bit healthier I have actually found time and motivation to do these things recently. My life really is better without bulimia.

Love and Knowledge

2008-09-02T15:07:00.003-05:00

What would the world be like if humans were asexual organisms? It seems like a huge proportion of our thoughts and energies are dedicated to pursuing, interacting and obsessing over members of our desired sex. If the energy put into romantic relationships over the millenia had been channelled into societal progress, I predict that environmental degredation would have already been addressed and reversed, colonization of farflung galaxies would be well underway, people would live to ages of hundreds of years, and we would live in enlightened, educated societies with social norms based on cooperation and respect. Or perhaps I am simplifying the problem too much. As much as I often argue this in reverse, I suppose it is the love and acceptance element of sex that many people are looking for, and that would still be in tact. It seems it is the nature of the human condition that love and knowledge will be perpetually at odds.

I am still young and fairly new at this, but after 5 years of dating that have included three serious relationships and dozens of less serious ones I have learned something about myself: I am smarter when I am single and without prospects. When I have a crush I am in pursuit, planning ways that I might "run into" the person and thinking about what I will need to do to get a date. When I am dating someone, I am obsessing about when they will call and where the relationship will go, and when I have an actual boyfriend I am far too worried about his well-being to take proper care of my own. I can think of two periods, once when I was 18 and once again just a few weeks ago, when I was completely single and without any prospects. I was suddenly very clear about what I wanted to do with my life, I had perspective, I took care of my health and emotional well-being and I pursued interests that were entirely my own. Now I am once again barely dating a crush and instead of finishing some of my creative writing endeavors or reading my Kundera I am stalking him on facebook and spending far too long deciding how to respond to very simple text messages. I am already less true to myself it seems. I do not have the motivation to study.
On the other hand, I am much happier. When my love life is nonexistent I am often bored, lonely, sad. My emotions are less stable and my general contentedness is diminished. It goes back to the two things I value: Love and knowledge. It almost seems that there is a set amount I can have of the two and the balance is continually shifting. Like how after a breakup I dive into work or how when I am in a new relationship I neglect my studies. The funny thing about that is that love, not knowledge, is the explanatory variable. I guess that shows what is of ultimate importance to me. Love comes first.

Creative Writing: Fish

2008-08-31T15:25:00.004-05:00

Another story, this is actually complete.

She had been the prima ballerina. The one girl scores of others had sabotaged with voodoo dolls and slicked floors. Her skin hung loosely from her delicate, emaciated frame. She glanced out the bare window next to her sterile single bed and put her cigarette out on the fleshy tissue of the underside of her breast. She didn’t wince, but she knew the nurse would be in soon. The heart rate monitor would betray her again.

She didn’t startle when I entered, but upon hearing my heavy footfalls the sinewy muscles of her lower back tensed. Her back was pristine. Smooth yellow-white suede, not a scar or freckle or gnarled cigarette burn to mar its purity. She didn’t move again. Not as I stroked her hair or even as I traced each of her ribs with my clumsy fingers. Her eyes remained fixated on an imaginary group of dancers outside her window, and she critiqued them in her head. They weren’t like she had been; their lips moved as they counted the beats and their feet never seemed to arch quite as perfectly as hers had.

The nurse walked in and spoke cheerily, though of what she said I couldn’t be sure. She ushered me out of the room, displeased to find the dancer naked and sporting a new ash-stained blister. As she cleaned the wound, the nurse was unsettled by how complacently the dancer cooperated. Other patients would struggle, still had the spark of a fight, but not this one. She simply existed, indifferent to all forms of pleasure and pain.

As I sat out in the morning chill on the deceptively sunny patio, it seemed almost unthinkable that I could ever leave this place. My wife, Lawrence and Amy, the firm; it all seemed so imaginary, like a sort of extended reverie inserted into the otherwise uniform memory of this gated reality.

“I know how you feel,” she spoke from right next to me. I was too startled to refute this; she had entered so silently it felt more like she had materialized next to me. I realized then that I didn’t know her walk, had never even seen her in motion, just sitting or standing still in different places. She looked in my direction, but did not look at me. Fish swan in the oceans of her eyes. They were shy fish.

Her blank face had smile lines, divulging her former humanity. I had told her about it, the pressure, the deadlines, the crying kids and needy wife and fastidious boss; I’d ranted and screamed, fallen over as my knees buckled under the weight of shame and loss. But she’d never heard, had never answered or even moved. This sudden unprovoked confirmation that there was someone lingering deep in that ravaged body [who had been listening all along] was overwhelming. My fists clenched with a wave of anger and then loneliness. I turned to stroke her but she had vanished. Just as I used to do.

Watching the dancers the next morning, she couldn’t stand their ineptitude. Their poor extension and heavy landings and unsure expressions had become unbearable. She moved silently to their courtyard, her feet moving like jersey cotton being dragged along the floor. She turned out her feet, bent her elbows just so, and took her first visible breath in three years. As the slow crescendo mounted her empty body filled with the music’s vitality. Light shot out her fingertips and the creases in her paper face deepened. The fish swam up to the front of her eyes.

As she glided back and forth across the lawn, I knew she couldn’t hear the trucks on the interstate behind the fence. Word’s aren’t the medium for everyone, that’s something I’ve learned here. There are a lot of folks who would be a lot better off if there wasn’t such an emphasis on talking. I’d felt betrayed to learn she’d heard my story. She was apologizing for her cold silence, she was screaming that she had been there all along, and she was trusting me with her own most intimate secrets.

As the music slowed she made her way toward me, still consumed in her confessions. She paused, still in first position, and I watched the flush leave her cheeks as her breath became once again inaudible, and seemed to stop completely. The fish retreated.

As the nurse escorted me back to my room with its fluorescent lights, I knew I could sign the papers soon. All the little lines that I had let serve as bars would be neatly endorsed away. The divorce, the waiving of my custody rights, and finally my own release. That simple connection had woken me up, had put that distant reverie of life back into the foreground. Who knows when or if she’ll speak again; her aging body is a much stronger cage then my silly black lines. Maybe she’s hoping to just leak out through a little ashy hole.

Creative Writing: Tuesday

2008-08-31T15:19:00.006-05:00

It has been suggested to me that being creative helps with recovery. I have done some creative writing lately and will post my work. I am not sure how this relates to ED, or if it does, but I have enjoyed the writing process.

This is a story I am writing based on actual events. I am about 60% through it. I will post the end eventually.

It is too hot in my room. The East-facing window has no curtains and the floor vent is partially obscured by the dresser so the whole space heats up like a Dutch oven when the sun comes up. Shit. Now I remember. He overdosed. The brief safe time between waking up and remembering why I drank myself to sleep expires abruptly. I draw a deep breath.

In the kitchen I see Lauren dressed for field hockey camp. Braces and shin guards accent her scrawny frame. I sit down and pour myself some Coco Puffs but do not eat them. She tells me about the goal she scored in yesterday's scrimmage. I wonder if Lauren is happy. Is anyone happy at twelve? Is anyone every happy? I hope so.

I can hear muffled music coming from the basement. My Mom is already downstairs, nursing her Irish coffee and updating the journal she keeps in her online bipolar support group. Lauren should have left already but I know Mom has forgotten to take her to camp again. I have a little time; I woke up too early anyway.

"Come on Dude, get your crap together." We get into my Chrysler, Lauren clad in her athletic attire and me in my underwear and an old thrift store tee. She still feels safer sitting in the back seat. Maybe it's only when I drive. We ride silently most of the way and Sublime plays over the two remaining speakers. When we reach the fields we are only a few minutes late. My old coach sees me and shouts down from the field house, something about "classic Johnson fashion". I don't know if she means my lateness or my underwear.

Getting home I find my Mom in the kitchen. I consider telling her the chaos that my day entails, but remembering my brother leaves for college tomorrow I decide against it. I take a shower in the bathroom I used to share with Lauren. The shower head whistles when hot water runs. I shampoo my short hair and put on a black dress that would have been too big six months ago.

I arrive at the dentist's office five minutes late for my appointment. I immediately feel guilty about the cigarette I had on the way over. In the waiting room there is a laminated article comparing teeth in unhealthy gum tissue to a stake in wet ground, easily jostled and pulled out. The secretary calls me into Dr. Holevas' office. He always makes small talk and remembers obscure pieces of last year's conversation. He must keep notes on all the patients. He tells me he could fit me in for a cleaning after he finished my fillings. I motion to my dress and tell him I'm flattered but I have a date with a dead man. All small talk ends abruptly.

With rolls of gauze placed between my gums and cheeks I can see a poster of a waterfall on the opposite wall. Dr. Holevas and the hygienist lean over me with a drill and a suction tube. I feel shards of my teeth hitting the roof of my mouth and I think about Dylan.

He made his living buying Lincoln Town Cars and transforming them into custom limousines. When we were younger he lived in his parents' garage and the concrete floor was carpeted with stolen restaurant welcome mats.

"Open winder please."

Stealing those rugs had been quite an operation involving multiple decoys and a getaway vehicle. After a few mishaps and several successful maneuvers, Friday's, Applebee's and Denny's logos filthy with heavy foot traffic covered the bedroom half of that garage. A work-in-progress limo-to-be usually occupied the other half.

"Bite down. Does that feel even?"

The welding torches and soldering irons he used on the cars doubled as glass-blowing tools. Dylan was an incredible glass worker and had sold his work at every head shop in the area. Most artists with his level of skill are professionally trained and his clients usually assumed he was a middle man. The thought of his unrecognized abilities makes me angry and sad. I start to feel my throat tighten.

"This new adhesive dries right away, so you won't have to wait to eat."

I leave the office make the short trip to Mark's apartment. The low fuel light chimes on. I ignore it and turn up the Sublime. The thought of running out of gas has no effect on me.

Mark's apartment has a red door and the "6" in the "516" is only present in the form of a sun stain. I am afraid to go in.

I found out about a year ago that I ought to consider Mark dead, but the reminders still make my ribs ache. I visited his old place, a studio in Boys' Town, last summer after a Redwalls concert at the Bottom Lounge. I found him tweaking on a solitary bare mattress with an emaciated girl who looked fifteen at most in a similar state at his side. Her name was Lilly. When I walked in he sat up and put out a few lines. Coked up, I lay back next to Lilly and Mark sat to my left improvising on his Les Paul. I thought about how he had sat to my left in sixth grade accelerated math and we had made comic strips about our teacher who we though looked like a hedge hog. I got up for a beer and found the sink filled with used syringes and cigarette butts. That was before Eric, Matt and now Dylan had died, but after Missy. It wasn't the norm yet, but I understood that death happened and who it happened to.

Back at 516, I swallow hard and knock. "Kimmy!" A warm hug and awkward scruffy kiss greet me. His teeth are jagged and discolored. His girl's black jeans are probably a size zero and his Van Morrison tee is covered by a thrift store blazer. I look past him into the apartment. It is bigger than the studio, but not any cleaner or more abundantly furnished. I see Amy sitting on the mattress. Her eyes are wide, her skin pocked with tiny abrasions. She smiles at me. "We were gonna smoke outta some of Dylan's pieces before the big show." I hadn't planned on being stoned at the funeral, but the gesture seems appropriate. I settle into the familiar mattress, my head on Amy's gurgling stomach. There are cigarette burns on the ceiling, and I pick up Amy's arm to see if the mark from her ex-lover's cigar is still in her wrist. Hidden under a scrap of bandana tied around her forearm it is gnarled and scratched. She jerks her arm away and pulls the cloth back down over her scar.

Mark comes back in the room with a green and blue dragon bubbler and a small pinkish pipe. He stuffs a wad of sharp smelling green pot into an indentation in the dragon's back. He offers Amy the first hit. She puts the hole in the beast's tail to her lips, flicks the lighter and inhales deeply. She sets the creature down and smoke streams languidly from its glass nostrils.

"This was the greatest piece he ever made. He just gave it to me last week, wouldn't take anything for it... Oh! He finally made you that pipe he promised you like forever ago." Mark gets up and comes back with a swirling yellow water pipe. He hands it to me and I drop it on the mattress. My heart drops with the pipe, but my pipe doesn't break.

Sufficiently high, Mark puts a few crystals into the pink pipe. He holds the meth in my direction but I shake my head. He shrugs. Mark and Amy take a few wheezing drags. We get into his dented Honda and I hope he is sober enough to get us to the funeral intact.

On the ride over we talk about how there are so many funeral parlors in Elgin, how weird it is that we are pseudo-adults, how Hemmingway is the best writer ever and how fucked up it is that Mrs. Maggiano has to bury another child. We start to laugh from the pot, and then I feel guilty. I see all the Burger King soda cups on Mark's car floor and I think about my psychopharmacology class back in Champaign. Dr. Gulley had talked about "meth mouth" and the debate about whether it was caused by the drug itself or by poor hygiene and all the Coke users tend to crave. I feel very removed and alone, realizing that I am the only one of us looking at this as a past rather than a present, a jumping off point rather than an end. I look at Amy and I know that she too is already dead.

We arrive at the Forsyth Funeral Home on East High Street. Amy and I make eye contact, acknowledging this little irony. An usher greets us at the door. "The viewing is currently underway in Room B and the service will start in about twenty-five minutes in Room A." Amy laces her fingers into mine.

In Room B I see Dylan's parents standing stoically by the far wall. Melissa is inured at this point. After Missy's suicide I don't think anything else will ever provoke a feeling in that woman. James looks the same as I remembered him: lean with a prominent jaw line. My stomach tightens and I feel a toxic loathing pulsing through my veins. The thought of him sweating over his daughter consumes me, and slip away to find a bathroom. Bent over the toilet I spot a jug of Drain-O on the floor. James is a plumber, so that very chemical was Missy's drug of choice when she took her life. I laugh a little: It is a good think I am already vomiting, because if I hadn't been I would be now. I feel the effects of the pot creeping up on me again.

In Room B a group of kids I used to know is huddled around what must be Dylan's body. Glad my stomach is empty I make my way across the room. The familiar faces all tell the same story. It is hard not to count upcoming funerals. A man named Jim who once kissed me in the Drama room after class puts his hand on the small of my back. I don't want to be touched, but I don't pull away. I get that same vulnerable, violated feeling I used to get when my fifth grade teacher, Mr. Tecktiel, would corner me by the coat rack in the nook in the back of the class room and put his fingers on my newly budding nipples.

Dylan looks like he has been dead for weeks. His cheeks are sunken and the makeup on his skin does not cover the dark yellow around his eyes. His hair is styled wrong, flipped up in the front rather than pulled together in the center as it is supposed to be. I see the scar under his hair above his right ear and think about the night he got it. It was the first time I had used ecstasy. Missy, Dylan, Mark and I had gone to a rave in a warehouse south of Joliet. Missy and I were leaning against an eight foot speaker rubbing each others backs, arms and heads. I remember thinking what a perfect tactile sensation human touch was. Dylan came up to us and his whole right shoulder was covered in blood. He said it was time to leave. I didn't feel scarred or unhappy. He had fallen while dancing, he said. I don't really know. We drove the sixty miles back to Elgin and snuck back into the Maggiano's house throw Missy's window. I never asked him what had really happened. I don't know that he would know.

"If everyone would please proceed into Room A, services will begin in five minutes."

I take a seat next to Amy and Sarah sits down on my other side. I remember the promise I made Sarah a few days prior. She had called me on Friday night. "Could you do me a huge favor? I know this may sound weird but Jason and I really like it when other people watch us have sex. Like you don't have to do anything or join or anything, but like would you be willing to do that?" I told her I would think about it, and probably would have declined, but when the news of Dylan's death came I figured I might as well. She looks at me and smiles. "Are we still on for later?" she mouths. I nod. Amy looks curious, and after she and Sarah whisper a bit it is decided that Amy and Mark will come over to Sarah and Jason's after the funeral as well. I feel like I have just scheduled a play date.

The priest stands at the front of the room. I hate Catholic funerals. I hate Catholic anything. The room utters an eerie opening prayer and the sound of the syncopated "s" when the crowd speaks the words "sin" and "salvation" is serpentine. The priest begins to talk about Dylan's life. He tries to excuse the drug problem and comfort mourners by telling us Dylan still has a chance to make it to his Heaven. He doesn't say a word about Dylan's ingenuity, his artistry, his brilliance, his loyalty. I am infuriated.

The woman in front of me isn't wearing black. She has an off white dress with a green floral pattern. It looks like the ivy border in my family's dining room. I want to wrap those linen vines around the priest's neck and tighten them until...

Amy nudges me. I realize I am seething audibly and stop. I try to pass it off as crying and listen to the priest, but my thoughts are on Missy. I feel guilty about that, but I don't try to re-focus. I smirk at the way the Catholic guilt still controls me. The pot has worn off by now. I haven't cried yet today.

Funeral processions are an odd ride. Traffic is stopped and our Honda follows a green Jeep without any effort. It feels like the fairy tale rides at Disney World where riders sit in a car they can not control and a foreign world passes by safely out of reach. We arrive at the graveyard. My hands and arms are no longer safely inside the vehicle. Amy takes my hands and laces her fingers in mine. It is late August and her hand is even colder than my own.

The people standing around the grave seem uncomfortable; we are young and unpracticed in the role of solemn mourner. While the priest is talking I am looking at the casket lowering apparatus. A green woven hammock of thick vinyl bands holds the casket and a complex arrangement of gears and pulleys are in place to lower it. Someone had to design, engineer and patent that contraption. I wonder if he was proud of his work, and how many other caskets that particular machine had lowered. Maybe one day it will lower someone who is looking at it now. Maybe it will take me on that final six foot journey.

People begin filing into a line and throwing handfuls of dirt on the grave. The sound is at first a clear pelting as clumps of dry earth shatter on the lacquered wood, but as more people make their contributions the sound fades into the muffled thumping of dirt hitting more dirt. I grab a handful and squish it down so the imprint of my fingers remains on the surface of the clump. Throwing it into the grave I feel like I am somehow defiling him. It seems so insulting. Hot angry tears well up in my eyes and I feel my nose start to run. Mark puts his hand on my shoulder and I shrug him off aggressively.

On the drive home Amy asks Mark to take her some place where she can scream as loud as she wants. He pulls into the quarry where we used to party in high school. Amy gets out and stands on the hood of the car, Mark and I join her. She takes a deep breath. "I don't think I can scream anymore. Let's just have a couple hits." I pass on another round of the pink pipe, but gladly accept the open bottle of cheap merlot that Mark holds in my direction. It tastes musty, like it has been open for several days and I immediately get an appreciated headache. Me heady and Mark and Amy high, we head to Sarah and Jason's apartment.

Consciousness, Love and Synthetic Purpose

2008-08-31T10:48:00.005-05:00

Part of an eating disorder is a feeling of emptiness. I have been told by my shrink time and time again that I must be running from something, that I binge and purge to stiffle feelings I don't want to experience, that there must be a gap I am trying to fill. Part of the gap is love. There is not enough love in my life. The other part is purpose. That I have been working on for years, but I actually feel as though I may have a small grasp of mine now.
I am not religious and thus do not have the predetermined purpose that Holy rollers are "blessed" with. I, like so many of the rest of us, have struggled to identify a reason to live. Obviously I do not know why I am here, but I do believe that with enough dedication I can understand most other mysteries of value. Through this process of learning and evaluating I have created for myself a synthetic purpose that will hopefully lead to continual happiness and allow me to help others find the same.
My jumping off point is always that which I cannot understand. In my field consciousness is often referred to as the elephant in the room, the one subject we cannot approach because it remains beyond the grasp of science. Therefore, I have chosen to devote my professional life to furthering understanding on this most incomprehensible phenomenon. I am driven to carry on living, to find love where I can, to develop my mortal self. I cannot explain why (though I will continue trying).
A note on the nature of mortality...
People often talk about the true point being the journay or process rather than the destination or finished product. This seems an interesting reflection on mortality- we are driven to develop ourselves despite the fact that we are mortal. The process leaves us eventually with nothing and the destination is nonexistance. People often shirk this advice, but it makes complete sense in the larger context of the human condition. Finding joy in the process is the only joy one will ever experience.
For me, the process is learning. It brings me both present and future joy and satisfaction. I love to further my understanding of foreign concepts, and have chosen to spend my life in an academic environment. My goal is not, ultimately, to get a PhD and a tenure track position. My goal is to have a life that allows me to learn continually.
Like other humans, however, I have not entirely accepted the idea of mortality. Death, yes, but disappearrance, no. I still feel compelled to leave a legacy. To be remembered is to be, in a sense, immortal. It is the ultimate having because it is the only thing that a person keeps beyond the grave (not that he would have the ability to appreciate it, but it does offer comfort). Being remembered for something great is the only way to assure you continue to exist. I am trying to let go of this concept, but I am not there yet.
So enjoying the journay has two components for me: learning and loving. Learning gives me present and future benefits and equips me with the tools I need to help others on their quest for happiness. Love is inexplicable- love between families, friends and, well, lovers inherently valuable. The fact that I am conscious and you are conscious and we can recognize one anothers existence and exchange thoughts and ideas and emotions is as far as I am concerned completely true, inexplicable and beyond science. Love is the ultimate source of happiness and I want ot fill my life with as much of it as possible.

So, in short, my purpose:
To enjoy the process by loving and learning continually.
To use what I learn to help others enjoy the process as well.

Who Am I and What Am I Doing?

2008-08-31T10:31:00.000-05:00

I am a daughter, sister, friend, student, writer, artist, lab member, teacher, employee, classmate, cousin, niece.
I am strong, confident, beautiful, brilliant, loving, driven.
I am working toward becoming a neuroscientist so I can discover new truths about the human mind and brain and so that I can use my knowledge to help people suffering from neurological problems.
I am attempting to love as much as possible: myself, my family, my friends, my fellow man.

You Need To Know What You Want In Order To Get It

2008-08-31T10:19:00.000-05:00

The start of the week always has a cleanliness about it, a new chance. For me, this means a new shot at eating healthfully and declaring myself one step closer to recovery from ED.
But being happy and having what I want means more then just following some rules this week. It means actually knowing what I want. In my classic neuroticism, I have composed a list of my various wants. These are the things I think it will take for me to be happy throughout life.

This Week:

1) To feel healthy.

-Eat healthfully and follow the plan I have set up with my nutritionist.

-Follow my exercise plan.

-Sleep and relax sufficiently.

2) To feel confident in my classes.

-Attend all lectures and discussions.

-Complete all readings, homework and quizzes before due dates.

3) To feel connected by being be active socially.

-Go out to dinner with the girls Sunday night

-Go out at night with friends 2-4 times this week

-Go out on one or more dates

4) To feel emotionally content.

-See my psychologist

-Sleep every night

-Write or sculpt at least 2 times this week

-Call my family at least 2 times this week

-Shower, dress and feel good about my appearance daily

-Journal about ED, sleep, emotions, exercise, nutrition, etc. daily

5) To begin plans for upcoming travel.

-Research spring break destinations and air fares to Thailand

-Plan out a budget that will allow me to save enough money for this

This Month:

1) To feel pride for being successful academically.

-Get an A on my first Bio test

-Stay caught up with all readings, homework and quizzes and score well

-Plan out LAS101 classes well and feel proud of my work

-Create a final list of the graduate programs to which I will apply

-Request recommendation letters

-Draft my personal statement

2) To feel strong and beautiful.

-Continue to make progress in overcoming my ED

-Continue to see nutritionist, exercise advisor, sleep expert

-Do not weigh myself

-Accept compliments graciously and avoid putting others down

3) To feel connected.

-Date new people

-Go home at least once

-See all my close friends at times when I am not drinking at least once

4) To feel centered.

-Continue to see the psychologist twice monthly

-Journal frequently

-Take me time by doing at least two of the following every day:

walk to no where in particular, read something not for school, watch a movie, watch TV on the couch, play with clay, write not for school, take a bath, go shopping, meet a friend for coffee or dinner, take a nap, masturbate, etc.

5) To follow the travel savings plan that I created and finalize Spring Break plans.

In the Next Year:

1) Get into the Neuroscience program at Northwestern

2) Go to a Thailand

3) Declare myself recovered from my ED

4) Become financially independent

5) Enter into a new romantic relationship

6) Gain full control of my bipolar disorder

7) Stay close with family and friends

In the Next 5-10 Years:

1) Receive PhD in neuroscience

2) Get tenure-track University position

3) Get married

4) Stay Close with family and friends

5) Maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle

6) Travel to Argentina, Germany, Austria, Ukraine, Japan, Morocco

In Life:

1) Never stop learning

2) Have a successful marriage

3) Raise well-adjusted children

4) Keep many meaningful friendships

5) Stay very close with my family

6) See the world, its natural wonders and varied cultures

This activity has shown me that feeling a certain way is the ultimate goal, and that this is achieved by being and doing, not by having. Living a life that makes me feel proud, beautiful, connected and centered is my goal and achieving this will require professional success in a field that utilizes my talents in a way that helps others, a healthy lifestyle, strong interpersonal relationships and making time for myself.

What my Mother might call a revelation of the obvious.

My first semester of college I had an incredible political theory professor who told a small group of eager Freshman the simplest and most profound thing I have yet heard. She said that if you can figure out who you are and what you are doing, you will find happiness. The statement seemed imbecile at first, but I have returned to it frequently. I still am unable to say that I can answer that question entirely, but I am much closer than I was three years ago.

Why Daft Dragon?

2008-08-30T22:02:00.002-05:00

Dragon because I was born in the year of the Dragon. Also, people talk about addictions as "chasing the dragon", perpetually trying to recapture the experience of the elusive first high. But this need is insatiable as I am insatiable. Dragon because my eating disorder is my addiction. I am recovering from "exercise bulimia". For the last year of my life I ate approximately 5 times what I needed to and ran literally 100 miles per week. My shrink said I ought to think of the urges as something outsaide myself so I dubbed my disease "the Dragon". Dragon because I work in a psychopharmacology lab, primarily researching cocaine and methamphetamine, so drug terminology is often on my mind. Dragon for the raw power the animal connotes.
Daft because I fear my reality is skewed and my control is waning. At this moment I feel quite sane, but I have the fascinating condition known as rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Just because it's sunny now doesn't mean it will be in five minutes. Daft because my eating disorder makes me feel as though the person inside me that drives me to accomplish all that I do is cohabiting with a saboteur ready to unravel me at every opportunity. Daft because I am anything but usual.

And so daft dragon shall meander my path.

Overture

2008-08-30T21:32:00.001-05:00

I do not know what a blog usually entails.

I would have titled this section "introduction", but I'm reading Kundera right now and he talks about "composing the symphony of our lives" so I opted for this slightly contrived title instead.

As is my custom with journals, I will start with a formal introduction. I am 20 and a student. I will graduate this year with a double major in psychology and political science. I want to go to graduate school for neuroscience, and am fairly confident I will get into a good program in Chicago.

Without going into too much detail, I want to let it be known that I have had the most trying year of my life thus far. I am going to use this space to talk about everything: my chaotic love life, my bipolar disorder, my research, my aspirations, relationships, revelations, body art, accomplishments, health habbits, everything. The main point of alot of this blog, however, is to help recover from my eating disorder. This is my catharsis.